Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Well everyone, I am on a whirlwind tour of the US in search of jobs. This week: Minneapolis, St Louis, Los Angeles and Phoenix. Hopefully I will be back to updating regularly toward the end of the week. I am spending 11 days with my DJ and I am psyched.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
- staying with my parents - hard to do at 30 yrs old
- Saw DJ last weekend - separating again is almost physically painful
- therefore: must find job in Phoenix or in a city within a few hours drive (if you know of any, holler!)
- weight loss stalled - creeping back to old habits with the fam and no exercise (shame on me)
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
OK, so I have an MBA and in MBA school there are loads of finance and economics classes. I never really planned to have a deep interest in the economy but even before the current meltdown, I found myself fascinated by the ebbs and flows of economies. Because of this, I follow the actions of the fed fairly closely. Well last night, it wound its way into my subconscious in the form of a naughty dream involving Fed Chief Bernanke who was at any point morphing into DJ and then back.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
2. Where is your significant other? In Arizona, sigh. But I get to see DJ in 3 weeks!
3. Your hair color? Dark Brown
4. Your mother? Is the number one reason I had WLS
5. Your father? Wonderfully goofy. Sweet and a little broken. Fiercely protective and loyal.
6. Your favorite thing? DJ. Is he a thing? Doesn't matter, he is still my favorite.
7. Your dream last night? For once, I don't remember
8. Your dream/goal? To live in the same state with DJ and to be at a healthy weight.
9. The room you’re in? The living room.
10. Your hobby? Reading really, politics, novels, history, you name it, I absorb it.
11. Your fear? Gaining weight. (stole this one from She's a Rebel, but I wholeheartedly agree)
12. Where do you want to be in six years? In a city with DJ working for a company I believe in in a position that lets me use my brain and creativity.
13. Where were you last night? Home. I live in the middle of a cornfield. I am home A LOT.
14. What you’re not? A republican/conservative.
15. One of your wish list items? A total body lift (giggling again)
16. Where you grew up? Illinois, Hawaii
17. The last thing you did? peed
18. What are you wearing? Black hoodie with blue pajama pants with black cats on them. (YES, I am aware that cats on clothes is lame. No need to tell me via comments :) )
19. Your T.V.? I big and on the wall. A graduation present from the P's.
20. Your pet? A cat named Modigliani. He's a jerk.
21. Your computer? runs hot.
22. Your mood? Tired. Weather changes make me want to hibernate.
23. Missing someone? DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ
24. Your car? 2008 VW Jetta. Black, beautiful, sleek....my first new car.
25. Something you’re not wearing? a cowboy hat. No think about the outfit I described before. Only thing that could make it lamer? A cowboy hat.
26. Favorite store? Target
27. Your Summer? Was probably the last time I will have a summer off until I retire.
28. Love someone? Yeppers. not many but all of them deeply.
29. Your favorite color? Purple
30. Last time you laughed? Today at my Cube mate. That crazy girl cracks me up.
31. Last time you cried? Last weekend. Almost lost my grandfather. He is slowly getting better now thank goodness.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
...shoes are the way to mine.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
So I have been thinking about blogging about this for a LONG LONG time, but it is so raw I didn't know if I could. Then, I saw this on the Post Secret blog and I thought it is finally time.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
OK, so Melting Mama got me totally addicted to this protein drink, Click. It is chocolately and yummy with a hit of coffee goodness. I keep it in my desk at work and make myself a drink in the afternoon to get me through the home stretch. now warning - this stuff is not good hot, but it is heaven cold. Like a protein rich blended coffee drink! MMMM!!! I usually add a little extra creamer and a packet of Equal or Splenda. I LOVE THIS STUFF! I don't know how I lived without it.
So I am sharing this with you because currently there is a special being run that involves a free blender bottle: Enjoy and don't say I didn't warn you when you find yourself terribly addicted!
When you order Click Espresso Protein with the current promotion, it comes with a Blender Bottle.
The current Click promotion code: OBH = Buy 2 CLICKs (28 servings), get FREE CLICKer Shaker (Blender Bottle) and FREE Shipping.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Watch out DJ, you have competition...
Friday, September 5, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
I feel like when we talk on the phone I am an annoyance to him. Our conversations are mundane and when I try to get a good conversation going, he does not reciprocate. I don't know what to do. I love him so much, but being apart is killing me. He says that I am more upset and bothered by this because I am so isolated currently and more emotional than normal. Both of these are true, but I still feel this way!
I really don't want to start over with a new relationship, but I am beginning to think that this one is a lost cause and he will never separate from his mother. I love him so much, he is my best friend and the best man I've ever known, but I am so alone and torn, just torn.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
We had a great time on the river. I got pretty sunburned despite copious amounts of 70 SPF and I am still peeling and itching like mad from it.
It was very fun to see my friends and have some social contact beyond work. I was crazy the following morning however and I think I probably scared my friend J away. While everyone enjoyed a buffet breakfast at the camp, I could not because it was all carbs and the scrambled eggs, my only hope, for some reason went down like a rock. So we ventured out on a three hour drive home with nothing on my stomach. So my sugar crashed and because we were in the middle of nowhere, following another car, we could not stop at a gas station. We had no bars on our cell phones and did not know how to get back on our own. Now, when my sugar bottoms out, I turn into a crazy person. So I proceeded to throw a fit and act nutso. Not something I normally like to do in front of people. Luckily J has been my friend for the better part of a decade and he knows this, but I still feel awful for making him uncomfortable and acting like a spazzed out bitch. I have since apologized to which he responded it was no big deal, but I still feel bad and awkward.
I need to get control of my emotions. Ever since surgery, I am a mess. I know some of it is adjusting, but some of it is also hormones. I just pray I can get through this phase and soon.
It began with me leaving my cell phone, with all of my contacts on the airplane. After exhausting all of my search options, I gave up and declared the phone lost forever.
After the fiasco of searching for my phone, I get to my hotel. Beautiful lobby, awful rooms. Dirty looking, carpet full of stains and overall just suspect. In fact, my first night, I woke up to some very strange and loud gurgling noises emanating from the bathroom. When I got up to inspect, there was dirty water flowing from the toilet from the wrong direction. Maintenance came and fixed it, then housekeeping. With a dirty mop and no disinfectants, the housekeeper sopped up the dirty filth and then left. SHE DID NOT use any Lysol, bleach etc. Did I mention that the water was, ummm, dirty, and from the TOILET? Luckily, I showered the night before, so I thew towels down to sop up the carpet and returned to bed with plans to deal with this in the morning. After requesting that housekeeping bleach down my room and carpet while I was at work for the day, I returned to find a fan hooked up in my room to dry the carpet, but the dirty towels still there and nothing in my room cleaned otherwise. Trash still there, bed unmade, no fresh towels....etc. And best of all my second story sliding glass door left wide open with all of my stuff inside. Did I mention that I was in LA? I was so pissed off! Then I was moved to a new room, which was marginally better and I spent the rest of my trip feeling dirty and using hand sanitizer and bleach wipes on everything.
Not Pleasant at all.
besides that hotel, I spent the entire trip being shunned by my co-workers. I don't know why though. As I had just met these women, i had not even had the chance to do anything to warrant this behavior. They spent the entire trip gossipping, shopping, going out and generally acting like great old fiends. I asked one of the women how long they had known each other, and she said only a couple of weeks. I could not figure out why they would make plans right in front of me and just not ask me to join them. Not even once! i don't know what I did. i was nice to them. I generally think I am a fun to be around person, we are all in the same general age range. I cannot figure it out! What is wrong with me?
I came home from this trip exhausted both mentally and physically and got in my car and drove directly to St Louis to spend the weekend camping with some friends. Which leads me to my next post...
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
I chatted with my boy on line yesterday for like ten minutes over lunch break, then I asked if he was going to be around after I get off work, cause I needed to talk to him about a couple of things. He said sure, I'll be sure to take my phone in case I am running errands. So I call him after work and he says he is in the middle of something, he will call me back in about 45 minutes. So TWO HOURS later, still no call. SO I call him, he says he is still busy whats up. I ask him one quick question and tell him to call me back later when he has time to talk. HE NEVER CALLED. I am so mad/hurt. Living so far apart is really hard, and having very regular conversations is all that i have to keep me going. I dreamt about him and crazy crap all night because i was so upset when I finally went to sleep. I woke up early this morning and it is all I can think about. I will call him later and talk to him about this, but it is still too early there due to the time difference.
Am I over-reacting? Is this my hormonal carnival ride taking over my common sense or is this a mis-step on his part? I normally don't get angry at him, even for things I should. But I am PISSED off!
Not being able to trust my own judgement is very frustrating, and honestly it is scary. I don't want to be crazy or unstable.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
I JUST STARTED MY JOB A MONTH AGO! I can't take time off. CRAP CRAP CRAP!
AH, it felt good to get that out of my system.
Yes! It was worth the extra money. Yes! It is super fun. Yes! It is totally addictive.
I love love love it. I credit the Wii Fit with breaking through my stall. The first time I used it, I was sore in places I didn't even know I had the next day. But I went right back to it that night. There are fun games as well as some damn hard exercises.
If you can find one (or are willing to pay high internet prices) I highly recommend buying one! If you hate it, you can always sell it. They are in high demand.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Ever since I have noticed this change, I have focused on adding weight training to my cardio regime. Lets hope it helps. This weakness is not something that an almost compulsively independent girl likes very much! Asking for help really sucks.
In other areas of my life, things are going ok. Still miss my boy like crazy. But my parents visited this weekend and it was so nice to have company. next weekend will be a lonely one, but then the following weekend I will be in St Louis with my friends spending a weekend on a float trip on the river. I am very excited and can't wait to see all of my friends. I think staying busy is key to keeping the lonelys away.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
If you respond, let me know!
What time did you get up this morning? 7 am on a SATURDAY?!?!? sadly, yes
Diamonds or pearl ? Pearls, classic and timeless
What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Sex and the City - opening night in Times Square
What is your favorite TV show? Law and Order - all of them
What do you usually have for breakfast? Protein latte
What is your middle name? Jean
What food do you dislike? asparagus
What is your favorite CD at the moment? Stacia Petrie - great bluesy sound
What kind of car do you drive? VW Jetta - black.
Favorite sandwich? chicken artichoke and spinach with some gooey cheese on a crusty Euro bread, but sigh that is a thing of the past....bread hurts
What characteristic do you despise? Insincerity and superficiality
Favorite item of clothing? Michael Kors silk floral swing blouse very modern funky floral, not like grandma's sofa
If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Tuscany
Where would you retire to? Tuscany
What was your most recent memorable birthday? 24th DJ, who never cooks, made me a homemade meal all by himself
Furthest place you are sending this? i guess in space somewhere
Person you expect to send it back first? no clue, one of my blog readers I guess
When is your birthday? Feb 11
Morning person or a night person? Night, definitely.
What is your shoe size? 9
Pets? Kitty named Modigliani
Any exciting news you’d like to share with us? Someday I won't be fat and that day is approaching faster and faster
What did you want to be when you were little? Madonna. I wore lace gloves with no fingers hoping to be "discovered"
What is your favorite flower? Lily
What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to seeing? December 3rd, our wedding anniversary.
What are you listening to right now? kitty snores
What was the last thing you ate? crab cake
Do you wish on stars? not in a long time
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? white....i am super pale
How is the weather right now? Hot and Humid
Last person you spoke to on the phone? DJ
Favorite soft drink? Crystal Light
Favorite restaurant? Graze in IC
Favorite color? Purple
What was your favorite toy as a child? my big wheel
Summer or winter? winter
Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla
Coffee or tea? coffee mmmm....have to have my java or I freak!
Do you want your friends to email you back?yep
When was the last time you cried? yesterday....you already know the story
What is under your bed? nothing, but I just moved so everything is still clean. give it time
What did you do last night? went to bed early
What are you afraid of? skin cancer and early aging
Salty or sweet? Salty
How many keys on your key ring? five
How many years at your current job? 4 weeks
Favorite day of the week? Saturday
Do you make friends easily? Not really. I am a deep relationship girl a small close circle of really good friends. that doesn't come easily
How many people will you send this to? my blog readers, so at last count, 9
How many will respond? I'm gonna say 2. just sounds good
Which leads me to my epiphany of the morning. I LOVE my boy, DJ. He is weird, commitment phobe, but he is kind, caring, smart and has this deep voice that makes my knees quiver even after ten years. He laughs easy, and has beautiful lines at the corners of his eyes that tell the story of years of laughing and smiling. He is calm to my crazy, patient to my immediate gratification, and chill to my freak out. We work. And I love him.
And I woke up to a text message from him this morning. He misses me...and i felt like an ass for even thinking about wanting someone else. I want him, I want him here, but if i can't have that, then I will have to try to patient. So bear with me if I whine and cry. It is hard.
Positive note: Next time I see DJ, I will be soooo different! I can't wait to see the look on his face.
Friday, August 1, 2008
First, we will start with the surgery. now I feel great! But what gets to me is the long term health I can expect. i am starting to worry that I have a rough road ahead. most of this fear comes from anecdotal horror stories, so I know it is not exactly rational to get all worked up, but it is also naive to think that there will be no repercussions. So while that is not my primary worry right now, it is always in the back of my mind. I thought this all out before surgery, but once the trigger is pulled, there is no going back.
Second, my boy. AHHH, this is the one that drives me crazy. We have had a tumultuous ten year relationship. mostly with me loving the crap out of him and him going back and forth about his feelings for me. I have known he was the one since I was 20 years old. I have loved him my whole adult life. He is a commitment phobe and concerned that he is too old for me. (12 year age difference) Over the last couple of years, things have been really good. He is finally realizing I am the right one for him and our relationship has never been better. Then a family tragedy that leaves him caring for his mother halfway across the country. So here is the decision I am regretting: we promised each other (mostly my idea, stupid stupid me) that we would give ourselves 2 years to work out our situations. I have to find a job in a location where we would enjoy living, and he has to figure out what to do with his mother and her situation. 2 years didn't seem like much, but 2 months into it, it feels like eternity. I am an impatient person, I know that. Why on earth did i think that this would work for me? I am all alone in this town in the middle of nowhere. and I am NOT good at being alone.
Add to this cocktail the fact that for the first time in my life I am starting to be noticed by men. I have been asked out twice in the last couple of weeks. While I know I want to be with my boy, I also am tempted by the offer for some human contact. Conversation and a hug sound so wonderful. Its like an alcoholic that turns to drinking cough syrup out of desperation. I want a nice bottle of merlot, but all I can find is cough syrup. And I am tempted...so tempted.
Now for work: I took a great job, but since I have started, my boss has quit and there are massive rumors, more that rumors really, that a major structural reorganization is coming our way. So while we have all been guaranteed that downsizing is not the purpose of the reorg, I am not so sure that I will even get to do the job that i signed on for. And I moved to this god forsaken town to do THIS job, not something else. I had other opportunities.
Oh, I am a worrying and self doubting today. Hopefully the whole weekend does not evolve into a full blown regret fest that ends with me laying on the floor listening to depressing music and crying.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
The chunky peanut butter, while not exactly chunky, had a good taste. The nutritionals are awesome, but the flavor did not blow me away. It was not really sweet or salty, just somewhere in between. I have definitely had better, but I have also had worse. There was not bad aftertaste, but the chocolate coating didn't exactly taste like chocolate either. This bar is ok if it is on sale.
The crunchy brownie was another story all together. It was, one word, awful. Not even remotely close to any brownie I have ever tasted. The I experienced a definitely weird chalky protein aftertaste. Not good.
Since I already paid for the other bars, there will be more reviews to come.
So please do me a favor, if you read this blog, drop me a little note and introduce yourself, so I know whether or not I should continue with this project.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
So here is my latest full length shot. I guess my shirt is a bit big, but I don't have many that truly fit anymore. In the picture with me are my friends Justin and Melissa.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Due to circumstances beyond our control, we live on opposite sides of the country. He is currently caring for his ailing mother because his father recently passed away.
Now I have a good job and can afford to travel and see him fairly often. The problem lies with his mother. She is manipulative and controlling and very jealous of me. She wants him to stay home and take his father's place, which disturbs me deeply. Frankly it disturbs him too. I have an upcoming business trip to LA. My boss told me to head out early and visit my boy. I was so excited, and so was he. Then his mother hit the roof. She started crying about how he just came to Iowa in May (for my graduation) and a couple of months before that (for my surgery). She threw a fit! So my boy caved and said he cannot come out to LA for the weekend. I am only asking for three days! He was upset, but he just doesn't want to make her too upset, since she had a cardiac episode two weeks ago. I am so disappointed. I miss him so much it physically hurts sometimes. He promised that as soon as he gets a job, we will take a weekend trip together, but I am afraid he will get a job that requires weekends. AAAHH!
I am going through so many things right now, I need someone here with me. My hormones are out of control and I am crying all of the time. I just want someone to hold me once in a while. Instead I took a job in a nowhere town where I know not a soul. I am so lonely. And we committed to this situation for two years. I am only one month in and I am already ready to break. How am I going to make it two years and stay sane?
Monday, July 21, 2008
Ok, so I am a pasty white girl, not a latin goddess, but besides that, this is totally my goal!
Saturday, July 19, 2008
i woke up at the crack of dawn to make myself presentable for the technician who was scheduled to arrive sometime between 7am and noon. I wait and wait and wait. At 12:01, I am pissed. (long story short - third attempt for them to fix problem. I have had two, count them two days of functionality in three weeks) So I cll said company, which might rhyme with Shmish Shmetwork, and told them to get someone out here TODAY, or cancel my service. An hour later and three supervisors later, and they finally agreed to cancel my service. But only after I begged and pleaded and then finally screamed, CANCEL MY GD SERVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate getting to that point, but they just wouldn't stop trying to convince me that I should keep their service despite the fact that it does not work, and they cannot seem to find time to fix it. DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE? NO, it does not.
So after that fiasco, my wait for my washer and dryer delivery began. They delivery folks called and told me they were running early, could they come now? Of course I say, I am out running errands, but I can be home in 15 minutes. They say great we will most likely be there in 25 minutes or so. So I scurry home, excited by the fact that i get to wash everything in my house from clothes to curtains tonight. When they arrive, 3 hours later! (we won't go into that) they say that the part they sold me to hook the dryer up to the vent is too short. So I say, ok, can I buy a longer one. They say, probably not from us though. and they tell me to go to the hardware store and buy this piece, they wrote it down and everything, and then it will be a snap to install. The dryer is light, they say. No sweat, you'll have no trouble at all. So they leave. and they leave my dryer in the hall uninstalled. so i go get the parts and try to do it myself. Now, i live alone in a town where I know NO ONE. and i cannot get this to install. At which point I am saying the f word so much it is beginning to sound like a mantra. So I call them back. They guy on the phone says. i don't know what to do about this. I guess I can have someone call you. I say call me today? He says, umm i don't know. I say call me Monday? He says, ummm i don't know. I say, well I have a dryer in my hall. blocking the path to my bedroom and bathroom today. and it is heavy. and i tried, but I cannot hook it up and move it myself, which i PAID YOU TO DO! I was literally crying. OVER A DRYER. and TV, lets be honest here, I NEED my Law and Order marathons. I hang up on the guy because I hate to cry and I refuse to cry to a stranger. SO, I call my boy and sob like a mad woman. He is nice and caring, but he is 2000 miles away. So, I call my other guy, Dad. Who is goofy, but wonderful. He tries to talk me through the process, to no avail. Then as I start to cry again, he says, I will come up there tonight and hook it up. It will be fine. I will go get your mom and we will be on our way. They live 4 HOURS away. I love my dad. I hate the TV people and the appliance people, but I love my dad.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
and I should have toted a few along!
Well, overall it was a miserable day. The meetings went well, but i was definitely distracted by discomfort. So next time I will be prepared!
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Well, it went by mostly uneventfully. I ordered the chicken salad sandwich and a small side salad. Everyone was so busy asking me questions that even if I had wanted too, I wouldn't have been able to eat much. So, when i took home most of my leftovers, no one batted an eye.
I might tell my immediate team about the surgery at some point, but for now, I'd rather stick to business.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Sunday, July 6, 2008
I feel like this blog has become my place to get things off my chest. A diary basically and in order to tell my story properly, this chapter must be included, but at the same time, I am scared of the repercussions. The digital world is complicated
Thursday, July 3, 2008
I just got this from Amazon. It really helps me stay on track with all of my vitamins. Very small (great for purse) and stays closed when it is suppossed to. plus, it is big enough for my calcium chews!I highly recommend it!
Weird thing is I am dreaming every night about my guy. Normally he haunts my dreams occasionally, but this whole week, I've dreamt about him every night. It is hard to be so far from him. Normally, when we part, we already have plans on when we will see each other next, but this time, I don't know. Most likely it will be the holidays, but who knows? :( How do I get through this?
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
On the job front though, I am sucking. I took a job and moved for it and started this Monday. Halfway through the day, the HR office called and said I had to leave immediately because my criminal check and drug test were never performed. They only hired me in March to start in JULY! For crying out loud, was that not enough time? So here I sit waiting to hear when I can begin work. It is frustrating! They already paid movers to move me and everything. How backward is that?
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
As far as my weight, I am still losing and I am now down to 260 lbs. However, my hair is starting to fall out. I have pretty thick hair, but I think I am noticing more hair in my drain than normal. I am a little worried about that. I am also having trouble eating. I go to the Dr tomorrow, so I will let him know. I think it might just be stress, but I have never had stress make me lose my appetite before. Before wls, I would tuck into a bowl of ice cream to feel better. Now eating has become somewhat of a nuisance. I have no urge to do it and when I actually try to eat, I get two or three bites down before my stomach tells me to stop. I don't know, i do feel like it is just me being stressed though. I start my new job next week, my mom is really sick, my boy's mom is crazy and hateful, my boy thinks he is sick, I am dropping weight like crazy and on top of it all I am moving. So I have just a couple things on my mind.
On a brighter note, Phoenix was hot, but beautiful. I posted a pic of me in the Superstition Mountains. My boy is beautiful. I miss him terribly though. Oh here I go again. I guess I am not ready to write about this yet. I promise as soon as I can I will.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
I start my job on June 30 and until then I am traveling as much as possible. I went to New York and St. Louis already and next is Chicago and then Phoenix and then the Grand Canyon and Las Vegas. WOO! I am one tired chica. BUT, i love to travel and take pics, so I am having a blast blast blast.
On the WLS front. I am managing well. Since I am traveling, I am almost exclusively eating in restaurants. But I am sticking to the rules and eating lean proteins and my protein powder and vitamins are getting toted around the country. So all in all things are good. I am down 75 lbs from my highest weight (at surgery consult) and 55 lbs since surgery. I feel really good and my energy levels are fine. I even rode a bicycle all the way around Central Park in New York (6.7 miles total thank you very much!)
My clothes are all way too big now, so some went to my mom, and the rest went to the Salvation Army and Dress for Success. Now however, I can fit my entire wardrobe into one medium suitcase, so I need clothes badly! I don't want to start my new job naked :) (I'm sure no else wants that either) So send me some suggestions smart ladies!
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
Maybe it is the combination of the new job and the new body that is leaving me uneasy. I should be happy, but instead I am worried. I wish my boy was here full time. He always knows how to calm me down.
Maybe my nerves are on edge because I am scared shitless of my new job. Not exactly the job itself, but mostly the living situation. I am moving to a small town in Iowa of only 30,000 people and 1 hour from any other towns with more than a few thousand people. And I know no one. I am not a solitary person. I like others to be around. I have a great roommate and she is moving to London, my boy is in Arizona and my family is a five hour drive in St Louis. I don't want to be the lonely cat lady. I want friends and I want my boy here. I am sad today. I am scared today.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
My boy flew in from Arizona for the event. He hadn't seen me since two days after my surgery and 48 lbs ago. So needless to say he was impressed by my progress. He was very sweet and worried constantly about whether I had my vitamins, whether there was any food that was good for me to eat at the various functions, etc. Ever since he moved to Arizona to take care of his mother, he has become very much a nurturer. It is pretty funny, but very sweet. Now if we could only figure out how to live in the same city again. I am afraid this may never happen. His mother is very needy and high maintenance. She is really not able to take care of herself. I just need to be able to get a job in AZ. But I am just starting with a company here in Iowa. My dream job really, so I want to give it a chance. Oh well, I guess I just have to see where life takes me.
So a funny thing happened during graduation festivities. First, the fiance of one of my classmates who I've only met a couple of times said to me, "You're Amber right? I wasn't sure because you look so different...did you dye your hair?" I haven't dyed my hair at all. I just said yeah, its a new cut. Then the wife of another classmate who I haven't seen since before surgery kept going on and on about how "pulled together" I look. She was like I don't know what you've done but you look great. So needless to say I felt really flattered and proud. All in all Graduation was a good experience.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
I am now 5 lbs higher than my lowest ever adult weight, which was achieved by mixing a bad break up, crack fiend like exercise habits, and starvation techniques. Needless to say, that weight did not last long. But I do look at my 25th birthday pics and like the much slimmer face I see in them and to think I am only 5 lbs heavier than that! I sort of blows my mind.
So, I have set a new mini-goal (I hear these are all the rage in the wls circles) and it is my 50lb mark. Which puts me exactly 7.6 lbs from my first goal. I don't know what i will do when I get there, any have any ides or things you did for yourself as you went along?
Saturday, May 10, 2008
So I decided onthe 2nd dress (black top, flower bottom) It is immensely more flattering. And these are the shoes I ordered to go with it. My roommate assures me that silver shoes will make my dress completely day time appropriate. So I will be returning the white flowered dress to Nordstrom. I really liked the White dress, but it hits me at my fattest part and accentuates the fact that I am STILL FAT! But you know what? For the first time ever, I don't give a d**n! Not one bit. I know next year this time, I will be NORMAL and healthy. And that is all I can ask for.
On a similar note, I need advice on how to break my addiction to the scale. It calls to me the way pizza and wings use to. I did not weigh myself today and now I am itching to run downstairs and hop on the scale to see if I lost anything in the past two days. It really is a sickness. You know I've heard that people hop from one addiction to another, so what if mine went from food to micromanaging my weight? I think about throwing it away, but I'd like to be able to check in from time to time, so i can't bring myself to throw it out. Am I weak or is this normal?