Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Smell gone nuts

I have blogged about this in the past, but ever since RNY, my sense of smell is uber strong.  Today at work, there was a skylight being installed on my floor, which means they were using very stong adhesives.  The smell almost killed me.  I was literally gaggin at my desk.  I finally just told my boss that I needed to finish the day at home.  I felt like such a baby, but it was making me so sick!

Monday, September 29, 2008

Weirder still

So I think that the engineer has major boundary issues.  He has been texting me every couple of hours and emailing me at work.  I don't know what to do.  He is very persistent saying that he needs to explain to me why he is sorry and talk about what happened in person.  Normally, I would say no, but we work together and I don't want things to be weird.  

I told DJ what is going on and he is not very happy.  I can't say I blame him, but his wanting to call the guy does not help me.  I don't think that would help me keep the professional relationship with this guy working.  UGH!

I guess I need to go to lunch with this guy and try to hear him out.  Maybe he is a normal guy who was going through something that made him act crazy.  Keep your fingers crossed folks.  I don't see this ending well. 

Sunday, September 28, 2008

People continue to disappoint and confuse me

So I made friends with this engineer at work.  I know I go on and on about being lonely here in my nowheresville town, but it is true.  I sit alone way more than is healthy.  So when I met this guy at work who is very nice, we became chatty (at work only).  

Then, he began telling me about some problems he was having at home with his wife.  Then he tells me they are separating.  She moved out of the apartment and took his son to live about an hour away.  Then we end up at the same social event one evening and chatted some more.  Now let me state this now, I AM NOT INTERESTED in this man romantically.  I have my boy and this guy is not really my type.  But, I am interested in being buddies.  I need friends and he seems nice and interesting.  

One evening a few nights ago, he called me and asked me to dinner.  He then said, 'just as friends you know.  this is not a date."  PHEW! We are on the same page.  is what I thought.  So we had dinner, it was uneventful.  Borderline boring really.  All the while, this guy is also hanging out with my neighbor.  But I get the feeling that they are more than just friends.  Which is totally cool with me, except they are putting me between them (what did she say about me?  What did he say about me?) But that is mildly annoying and mildly amusing at the same time.  

So yesterday he calls me and asks me to come hang out with him and his son in the evening.  I agree. He asks me to pick up beer on my way.  So I do.  When I get there, his son is snoozing and we sit down and he proceeds to down the entire 6 pack in the span of 1.5 hrs.  Then he tries to kiss me!  GROSS.  he was so drunk and dumb.  So I made some excuses and was out of there by 9pm.  He continued to text me until I turned my phone off at midnight.  His texts were apologetic at first and then turned belligerent and then pathetic.  I did not reply to any of them. He knows about DJ, so I don't know what his deal is.  I thought he liked my neighbor.  

How do I look at this guy tomorrow at work?  I just wanted to be friends and have some local folks to hang out with?  Why did this blow up in my face?

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Poor Hawkeyes...

They lost the big homecoming game today, but I was still super happy.  Cause I got SOOO many compliments!  So tonight I will go to bed feeling pretty. maybe for the first time ever.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

A dose of common sense

Go here and read this and watch the video!  

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

So I look normal...

and this is a huge WOW moment for me.  That is me out for my friend's birthday and I don't stand out from the other women as the huge fat girl.  I look normal. Normal Normal...the word is weird and wonderful.


stalling stalling stalling.  up 2 lbs, down three, up three down four up down up down AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Post-Secret Hits home

So I have been thinking about blogging about this for a LONG LONG time, but it is so raw I didn't know if I could.  Then, I saw this on the Post Secret  blog and I thought it is finally time.

My mom was my best friend.  She was the mom all the other kids loved and wished their moms were like.  She was cool and loved to laugh and have fun.  She was mischievous and understood a kids need to be a rebel and she gave me just enough rope to hang myself.  She loved me as much as any mother has ever loved her child.  She was always on my side, my rock filled with unconditional love and adoration.  

Now, she was not perfect.  By any means.  She had a temper and treated my dad like a second rate citizen.  There was constant screaming in my home (not all her fault).  She tried everything she could to not grow up.  So sometimes, she was too much friend not enough mom.  She needed constant attention, especially from men.  So sometimes, I faded behind her spotlight.

Regardless of her faults, I admired her.  she was smart.  She had no education beyond high school yet she managed to become management at any job she took within months.  She was strong and taught me to be independent and equal to any man.  She stood her ground yet was generous to a fault.  

BUT, she was/is morbidly obese.  I never cared about this until about 10 years ago.  She was diagnosed with diabetes.  She was fine for a few years.  Then the diabetes lead to Neuropathy, which means she has trouble feeling her hands and feet.  She slowly starting taking more and more prescriptions until now where she is on 36 different medications.  They do not help.  She stays home all day, is on medical disability and is a virtual recluse.  Due to the high number of medications she takes, she is no longer the same person.  She doesn't have the clarity of mind she used to.  It is similar to watching someone slip into Alzheimer's.  She has good days and bad days.  On her good days, she makes some sense, but on her bad days she is like a small child that you have to explain things to several times and slowly with simple words.  She has lost her sense of humor completely, primarily because her brain isn't fast enough to understand jokes.  

I am 30 years old and I no longer have a mother.  She is alive.  I can see her and touch her, but I don't know her.  She spends all her days watching trash TV and napping.  We have nothing to talk about and she does not indicate any concern over my life.  

I call her to check on her when she has Dr appointments and to encourage her to get out of the house, but she never reciprocates.  She doesn't ask how I am and if I try to tell her, she talks over me about the latest piece of crap she bought from the shopping channel.  I don't know her and i don't like her.  I love her until it hurts and i miss who she used to be.

This leads me to the Post Secret.  When I saw this, I knew it was time to write.  My mom and her condition is the main reason I had RNY surgery.  My whole life, my self worth has been wrapped up in my intellect.  If I were to follow in her foot steps, I would be worthless.  I could not have that.  So now I am on a journey to not be her.  Every day, every time we talk, I think about it.  I am scared of it.  But I will beat it.  I will not be her.  I am Amber Jean, I am my own person, not a carbon imprint of my mother.  I learned from her strength and have become stronger.

Thank you mom.  I love you.  I am sorry.    

Turkey Waddle

I think I am getting one.  AAAHHHHH!  I was totally prepared to have sagging boobs, arm flaps, saggy tummy and thighs, but my face?  My chin to be exact!  I see these other beautiful post-ops around my age and they DO NOT have this.  Usually it happens only to the ones at least 10 years older than me.  AAAAAAAAHHHHH I am so sad.  All the other saggy problems can be hidden with clothes, but unless I want to wear giant turtle necks year round, I cannot hide this!  

I guess I will have to tell DJ the the savings fund that was earmarked for our next Euro vacation is now the plastics fund.  Hopefully if I throw in some perky boobies, he won't mind.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

DJ plans to visit!

So DJ and I are currently arranging plans for him to come to Iowa for a couple of days and then we will take of a spend a long weekend together in Chicago. I am soooo excited. 

The only sad part is that the only weekend we can seem to arrange which works with schedules and when the flights and hotels are affordable isn't until MID NOVEMBER.  It seems like so long from now!  I have to find ways to keep myself occupied.  I need a hobby.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

OH Ani, you always get me a thinkin'

I was listening to Ani DiFranco's first album today and she got me thinking.  Now unfortunately, I live in a town where I know no one and thus spend a lot of time in my head if you know what I mean.  This is , what came to me today:

My whole life, my self-worth has been wrapped up in my weight.  I am guilty of being size-ist despite that fact that I was (am really) hugely fat.  I always assumed that those with a normal BMI somehow mattered more.  And lived more.  Did this come from my own brain?  From the media? Where?

I thought that thin people's experiences were somehow more meaningful; their relationships richer, their loves deeper and truer.   

What made me feel like this, so insignificant?  like a bit player in the play of my own life.  A character actor waiting for a starring role.  I was/am always thinking that my life could begin as soon as i am thin.

I always think that people don't take me seriously because of my weight.  Like I am some cosmic joke.  A fat girl wants romance , love, companionship, a career, and loyalty?  Ha! only from a blind person.

All of this had led me to feel unworthy.  I've always dreamt of being a writer, but assumed that no one would want to read anything that a 1/2 person wrote.  I am only fit to be an accessory for the people who REALLY matter, the loyal fat best friend who gives, yet needs nothing.  

Existentialism theorizes that individuals create the meaning and essence of their lives, as opposed to it being created for them by deities or authorities or defined for them by philosophical or theological doctrines.  So you are the only real person who exists, everyone else exists only to occupy you.  In my backwards version, I don't really exist, everyone else does.


So a friend of mine came into town for the week and I picked him up at the airport.  This friend lives in Europe, so I haven't seen him since way before my surgery.  I hadn't mentioned anything to him about it ever either.  Needless to say he was shocked when he saw me.  His jaw dropped and he hugged me and I kid you not, he PICKED ME UP!  He could not stop gushing over how different and great I look.  

I know I have a long way to go - I really need to focus on toning up and strength training, but it is moments like this that give me the motivation to keep going!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

new gadget!

I have added a new gadget to this blog.  It the the follower gadget.  So if you use blogger and read this blog, sign up!  I'd love to see and then see who else you read, cuase that is how you find great stuff!

Monday, September 8, 2008

New Addiction - Click Espresso Protein

OK, so Melting Mama got me totally addicted to this protein drink, Click.  It is chocolately and yummy with a hit of coffee goodness.  I keep it in my desk at work and make myself a drink in the afternoon to get me through the home stretch.  now warning - this stuff is not good hot, but it is heaven cold.  Like a protein rich blended coffee drink!  MMMM!!! I usually add a little extra creamer and a packet of Equal or Splenda.  I LOVE THIS STUFF!  I don't know how I lived without it.  

So I am sharing this with you because currently there is a special being run that involves a free blender bottle:  Enjoy and don't say I didn't warn you when you find yourself terribly addicted!

When you order Click Espresso Protein with the current promotion, it comes with a Blender Bottle.

The current Click promotion code: OBH = Buy 2 CLICKs (28 servings), get FREE CLICKer Shaker (Blender Bottle) and FREE Shipping.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

New cure for the blues


Stupid? - Yes
Could be banned by PETA? - probably
Cracks me up anyway? Hell Yes!

Saturday, September 6, 2008

I have officially moved from "Extremely Obese" to just plain old "Obese"  Woo-hoo, here I come "Normal"!

Somthing happened on the way to the panel

Yesterday, I was part of a panel presentation at the University where I earned my Grad degree.  One of the organizers, a lady who i knew but not well at all, did not recognize me when I checked in for the event.  When I told her my name, she gave me a funny look and said, DId you cut your hair?  I wanted to reply, why yes, I cut over 100 lbs off, but I just kept that to myself and nodded, took my badge and walked away before I cracked up.

Then the director of career services and the school associate dean, women I do know very well, both saw me and gasped.  They gushed over how great I look.  Both of them got a big kick out of the hair story.  

Overall yesterday was a good day and I am still smiling.  Thank you RNY

I got hit on at a concert last night

by a hunky latino heartthrob. OK, so he was only 5 years old, but he was super cute. :) Now normally, I don't know what to do with kids and am therefore a little nervous in their presence. And I think they smell my fear and thus stay away from me or mock me, one of the two. But this little guy came right up to me, his father works with me, and said, I'm Nikolas will you hold me? So I picked him up and he hugged my neck and then he kept telling me I was so pretty and he loves me. I think his father was mortified! I just laughed and laughed. You take it where you can get it right? It was pretty cute and definitely put a smile on my face.

Watch out DJ, you have competition...

Friday, September 5, 2008


read this blog. I don't think he even knows it exists....

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

long distance is hard

So DJ and I get along great. Put us in a room together with nothing else and we will have a great time. We just laugh and generally entertain each other. Normally we can talk about anything. No holds barred. But lately...

I feel like when we talk on the phone I am an annoyance to him. Our conversations are mundane and when I try to get a good conversation going, he does not reciprocate. I don't know what to do. I love him so much, but being apart is killing me. He says that I am more upset and bothered by this because I am so isolated currently and more emotional than normal. Both of these are true, but I still feel this way!

I really don't want to start over with a new relationship, but I am beginning to think that this one is a lost cause and he will never separate from his mother. I love him so much, he is my best friend and the best man I've ever known, but I am so alone and torn, just torn.

Weight Chart