Camping

So my best friends J&D invited me to come to their home in St Louis and then go on a float trip followed by a night of camping. Generally, I am not a camper, but I figured what the hell.

We had a great time on the river. I got pretty sunburned despite copious amounts of 70 SPF and I am still peeling and itching like mad from it.

It was very fun to see my friends and have some social contact beyond work. I was crazy the following morning however and I think I probably scared my friend J away. While everyone enjoyed a buffet breakfast at the camp, I could not because it was all carbs and the scrambled eggs, my only hope, for some reason went down like a rock. So we ventured out on a three hour drive home with nothing on my stomach. So my sugar crashed and because we were in the middle of nowhere, following another car, we could not stop at a gas station. We had no bars on our cell phones and did not know how to get back on our own. Now, when my sugar bottoms out, I turn into a crazy person. So I proceeded to throw a fit and act nutso. Not something I normally like to do in front of people. Luckily J has been my friend for the better part of a decade and he knows this, but I still feel awful for making him uncomfortable and acting like a spazzed out bitch. I have since apologized to which he responded it was no big deal, but I still feel bad and awkward.

I need to get control of my emotions. Ever since surgery, I am a mess. I know some of it is adjusting, but some of it is also hormones. I just pray I can get through this phase and soon.

This is LA

So I really hate LA. Every time I go to the City of Angels, bad things happen to me. This trip was no exception.

It began with me leaving my cell phone, with all of my contacts on the airplane. After exhausting all of my search options, I gave up and declared the phone lost forever.

After the fiasco of searching for my phone, I get to my hotel. Beautiful lobby, awful rooms. Dirty looking, carpet full of stains and overall just suspect. In fact, my first night, I woke up to some very strange and loud gurgling noises emanating from the bathroom. When I got up to inspect, there was dirty water flowing from the toilet from the wrong direction. Maintenance came and fixed it, then housekeeping. With a dirty mop and no disinfectants, the housekeeper sopped up the dirty filth and then left. SHE DID NOT use any Lysol, bleach etc. Did I mention that the water was, ummm, dirty, and from the TOILET? Luckily, I showered the night before, so I thew towels down to sop up the carpet and returned to bed with plans to deal with this in the morning. After requesting that housekeeping bleach down my room and carpet while I was at work for the day, I returned to find a fan hooked up in my room to dry the carpet, but the dirty towels still there and nothing in my room cleaned otherwise. Trash still there, bed unmade, no fresh towels....etc. And best of all my second story sliding glass door left wide open with all of my stuff inside. Did I mention that I was in LA? I was so pissed off! Then I was moved to a new room, which was marginally better and I spent the rest of my trip feeling dirty and using hand sanitizer and bleach wipes on everything.

Not Pleasant at all.

besides that hotel, I spent the entire trip being shunned by my co-workers. I don't know why though. As I had just met these women, i had not even had the chance to do anything to warrant this behavior. They spent the entire trip gossipping, shopping, going out and generally acting like great old fiends. I asked one of the women how long they had known each other, and she said only a couple of weeks. I could not figure out why they would make plans right in front of me and just not ask me to join them. Not even once! i don't know what I did. i was nice to them. I generally think I am a fun to be around person, we are all in the same general age range. I cannot figure it out! What is wrong with me?

I came home from this trip exhausted both mentally and physically and got in my car and drove directly to St Louis to spend the weekend camping with some friends. Which leads me to my next post...

Updates Updates.....

So I have been neglectful of my blog. I have not felt mentally ready to blog until this morning. So I am going to try to update in several normal size posts instead of one huge unreadable post. So bear with me.

I am still huge

I see a pic like this and I realize how far I have still to go.

Not MIA

I have been in L.A. all week. It was pretty crappy, but I just got home and I am exhausted, so I will have to give you all the download later.

It is time for another vacation to Crazy Town

So since WLS, my emotions have been on a roller coaster ride. If you are a regular reader of this blog, this is not new news. Well, the big drop of the track is here again. And I need some perspective. Here is what happened:

I chatted with my boy on line yesterday for like ten minutes over lunch break, then I asked if he was going to be around after I get off work, cause I needed to talk to him about a couple of things. He said sure, I'll be sure to take my phone in case I am running errands. So I call him after work and he says he is in the middle of something, he will call me back in about 45 minutes. So TWO HOURS later, still no call. SO I call him, he says he is still busy whats up. I ask him one quick question and tell him to call me back later when he has time to talk. HE NEVER CALLED. I am so mad/hurt. Living so far apart is really hard, and having very regular conversations is all that i have to keep me going. I dreamt about him and crazy crap all night because i was so upset when I finally went to sleep. I woke up early this morning and it is all I can think about. I will call him later and talk to him about this, but it is still too early there due to the time difference.

Am I over-reacting? Is this my hormonal carnival ride taking over my common sense or is this a mis-step on his part? I normally don't get angry at him, even for things I should. But I am PISSED off!

Not being able to trust my own judgement is very frustrating, and honestly it is scary. I don't want to be crazy or unstable.

Double header

So I went to the Dr today because on Monday I noticed a large lump on my foot and it freakin' HURTS! Anytime I step down just a little bit hard, it sends shooting pain through my foot. Not conducive to exercise AT ALL! So, the Dr says it is a cyst and I need surgery.

I JUST STARTED MY JOB A MONTH AGO! I can't take time off. CRAP CRAP CRAP!

AH, it felt good to get that out of my system.

Wii Fit

So a few have you have asked about my Wii Fit!

Yes! It was worth the extra money. Yes! It is super fun. Yes! It is totally addictive.

I love love love it. I credit the Wii Fit with breaking through my stall. The first time I used it, I was sore in places I didn't even know I had the next day. But I went right back to it that night. There are fun games as well as some damn hard exercises.

If you can find one (or are willing to pay high internet prices) I highly recommend buying one! If you hate it, you can always sell it. They are in high demand.

101!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am down 101 lbs! WOOO HOOO!

Headlights

Ok, so here is one of my pet peeves....headlights. Yeah that is right in a meeting in a Fortune 500 Company. AAAHHHH! I was at a meeting today and a women was the presenter and all I could do was stare at her headlights! It was ghastly. I was looking at the men in the room and guess what they were looking at? Let's just say that when we left the meeting we had no idea what it was about. It wasn't even a sexy thing, it was just so OBVIOUS. I really felt bad for the lady, I am sure she is smart and well spoken, but Geez! Wear a thicker bra at work for crying out loud. Women have enough trouble with having their voices heard, we don't need to run around distracting people by displaying our private parts. Cleavage and short skirts are bad too, but to me, this one is the topper. Now I am not a prude, but this really bothers me.

Is this just me? OR does it bother you too?

I am weak...

physically. I am noticing more and more lately that I do not have the strength I used to have. Opening jars is harder and harder, lifting things I normally could have done with ease is now laboring. Is this from weight loss or is this from RAPID weight loss?

Ever since I have noticed this change, I have focused on adding weight training to my cardio regime. Lets hope it helps. This weakness is not something that an almost compulsively independent girl likes very much! Asking for help really sucks.

In other areas of my life, things are going ok. Still miss my boy like crazy. But my parents visited this weekend and it was so nice to have company. next weekend will be a lonely one, but then the following weekend I will be in St Louis with my friends spending a weekend on a float trip on the river. I am very excited and can't wait to see all of my friends. I think staying busy is key to keeping the lonelys away.

MEME sent from Amber

Sen by my blog friend http://vanityandvexation.blogspot.com/
If you respond, let me know!
What time did you get up this morning? 7 am on a SATURDAY?!?!? sadly, yes
Diamonds or pearl ? Pearls, classic and timeless
What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Sex and the City - opening night in Times Square
What is your favorite TV show? Law and Order - all of them
What do you usually have for breakfast? Protein latte
What is your middle name? Jean
What food do you dislike? asparagus
What is your favorite CD at the moment? Stacia Petrie - great bluesy sound
What kind of car do you drive? VW Jetta - black.
Favorite sandwich? chicken artichoke and spinach with some gooey cheese on a crusty Euro bread, but sigh that is a thing of the past....bread hurts
What characteristic do you despise? Insincerity and superficiality
Favorite item of clothing? Michael Kors silk floral swing blouse very modern funky floral, not like grandma's sofa
If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Tuscany
Where would you retire to? Tuscany
What was your most recent memorable birthday? 24th DJ, who never cooks, made me a homemade meal all by himself
Furthest place you are sending this? i guess in space somewhere
Person you expect to send it back first? no clue, one of my blog readers I guess
When is your birthday? Feb 11
Morning person or a night person? Night, definitely.
What is your shoe size? 9
Pets? Kitty named Modigliani
Any exciting news you’d like to share with us? Someday I won't be fat and that day is approaching faster and faster
What did you want to be when you were little? Madonna. I wore lace gloves with no fingers hoping to be "discovered"
What is your favorite flower? Lily
What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to seeing? December 3rd, our wedding anniversary.
What are you listening to right now? kitty snores
What was the last thing you ate? crab cake
Do you wish on stars? not in a long time
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? white....i am super pale
How is the weather right now? Hot and Humid
Last person you spoke to on the phone? DJ
Favorite soft drink? Crystal Light
Favorite restaurant? Graze in IC
Favorite color? Purple
What was your favorite toy as a child? my big wheel
Summer or winter? winter
Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla
Coffee or tea? coffee mmmm....have to have my java or I freak!
Do you want your friends to email you back?yep
When was the last time you cried? yesterday....you already know the story
What is under your bed? nothing, but I just moved so everything is still clean. give it time
What did you do last night? went to bed early
What are you afraid of? skin cancer and early aging
Salty or sweet? Salty
How many keys on your key ring? five
How many years at your current job? 4 weeks
Favorite day of the week? Saturday
Do you make friends easily? Not really. I am a deep relationship girl a small close circle of really good friends. that doesn't come easily
How many people will you send this to? my blog readers, so at last count, 9
How many will respond? I'm gonna say 2. just sounds good

Happy Catastrophe

So I took some advice from you guys and decided to accept one of my date offers. So as I sat at the local martini bar, sipping iced tea, waiting for my date, I realized how excited I was just to talk to someone new. Face to face, not at work, just two people getting to know each other. I thought long and hard about how and when to drop the RNY bomb. As i was lost in my thoughts of the night and my longing for a nice martini, I noticed my companion was 20 minutes late. And then 30 and then 40...so I left. I WAS STOOD UP! FOR MY FIRST DATE IN LIKE, FOREVER! Well it was not exactly a date I guess, i don't know exactly how to define what I was planning...but either way, I was left hanging. Sometimes I hate people.

Which leads me to my epiphany of the morning. I LOVE my boy, DJ. He is weird, commitment phobe, but he is kind, caring, smart and has this deep voice that makes my knees quiver even after ten years. He laughs easy, and has beautiful lines at the corners of his eyes that tell the story of years of laughing and smiling. He is calm to my crazy, patient to my immediate gratification, and chill to my freak out. We work. And I love him.

And I woke up to a text message from him this morning. He misses me...and i felt like an ass for even thinking about wanting someone else. I want him, I want him here, but if i can't have that, then I will have to try to patient. So bear with me if I whine and cry. It is hard.

Positive note: Next time I see DJ, I will be soooo different! I can't wait to see the look on his face.

Doubts about everything

For the last couple of weeks, I am wondering what i have done to myself. In several ways. Some of it is the surgery, but mostly it is other decisions I have made lately.

First, we will start with the surgery. now I feel great! But what gets to me is the long term health I can expect. i am starting to worry that I have a rough road ahead. most of this fear comes from anecdotal horror stories, so I know it is not exactly rational to get all worked up, but it is also naive to think that there will be no repercussions. So while that is not my primary worry right now, it is always in the back of my mind. I thought this all out before surgery, but once the trigger is pulled, there is no going back.

Second, my boy. AHHH, this is the one that drives me crazy. We have had a tumultuous ten year relationship. mostly with me loving the crap out of him and him going back and forth about his feelings for me. I have known he was the one since I was 20 years old. I have loved him my whole adult life. He is a commitment phobe and concerned that he is too old for me. (12 year age difference) Over the last couple of years, things have been really good. He is finally realizing I am the right one for him and our relationship has never been better. Then a family tragedy that leaves him caring for his mother halfway across the country. So here is the decision I am regretting: we promised each other (mostly my idea, stupid stupid me) that we would give ourselves 2 years to work out our situations. I have to find a job in a location where we would enjoy living, and he has to figure out what to do with his mother and her situation. 2 years didn't seem like much, but 2 months into it, it feels like eternity. I am an impatient person, I know that. Why on earth did i think that this would work for me? I am all alone in this town in the middle of nowhere. and I am NOT good at being alone.

Add to this cocktail the fact that for the first time in my life I am starting to be noticed by men. I have been asked out twice in the last couple of weeks. While I know I want to be with my boy, I also am tempted by the offer for some human contact. Conversation and a hug sound so wonderful. Its like an alcoholic that turns to drinking cough syrup out of desperation. I want a nice bottle of merlot, but all I can find is cough syrup. And I am tempted...so tempted.

Now for work: I took a great job, but since I have started, my boss has quit and there are massive rumors, more that rumors really, that a major structural reorganization is coming our way. So while we have all been guaranteed that downsizing is not the purpose of the reorg, I am not so sure that I will even get to do the job that i signed on for. And I moved to this god forsaken town to do THIS job, not something else. I had other opportunities.

Oh, I am a worrying and self doubting today. Hopefully the whole weekend does not evolve into a full blown regret fest that ends with me laying on the floor listening to depressing music and crying.