Wednesday, September 10, 2008

OH Ani, you always get me a thinkin'

I was listening to Ani DiFranco's first album today and she got me thinking.  Now unfortunately, I live in a town where I know no one and thus spend a lot of time in my head if you know what I mean.  This is , what came to me today:

My whole life, my self-worth has been wrapped up in my weight.  I am guilty of being size-ist despite that fact that I was (am really) hugely fat.  I always assumed that those with a normal BMI somehow mattered more.  And lived more.  Did this come from my own brain?  From the media? Where?

I thought that thin people's experiences were somehow more meaningful; their relationships richer, their loves deeper and truer.   

What made me feel like this, so insignificant?  like a bit player in the play of my own life.  A character actor waiting for a starring role.  I was/am always thinking that my life could begin as soon as i am thin.

I always think that people don't take me seriously because of my weight.  Like I am some cosmic joke.  A fat girl wants romance , love, companionship, a career, and loyalty?  Ha! only from a blind person.

All of this had led me to feel unworthy.  I've always dreamt of being a writer, but assumed that no one would want to read anything that a 1/2 person wrote.  I am only fit to be an accessory for the people who REALLY matter, the loyal fat best friend who gives, yet needs nothing.  

Existentialism theorizes that individuals create the meaning and essence of their lives, as opposed to it being created for them by deities or authorities or defined for them by philosophical or theological doctrines.  So you are the only real person who exists, everyone else exists only to occupy you.  In my backwards version, I don't really exist, everyone else does.

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