Saturday, May 31, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
Maybe it is the combination of the new job and the new body that is leaving me uneasy. I should be happy, but instead I am worried. I wish my boy was here full time. He always knows how to calm me down.
Maybe my nerves are on edge because I am scared shitless of my new job. Not exactly the job itself, but mostly the living situation. I am moving to a small town in Iowa of only 30,000 people and 1 hour from any other towns with more than a few thousand people. And I know no one. I am not a solitary person. I like others to be around. I have a great roommate and she is moving to London, my boy is in Arizona and my family is a five hour drive in St Louis. I don't want to be the lonely cat lady. I want friends and I want my boy here. I am sad today. I am scared today.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
My boy flew in from Arizona for the event. He hadn't seen me since two days after my surgery and 48 lbs ago. So needless to say he was impressed by my progress. He was very sweet and worried constantly about whether I had my vitamins, whether there was any food that was good for me to eat at the various functions, etc. Ever since he moved to Arizona to take care of his mother, he has become very much a nurturer. It is pretty funny, but very sweet. Now if we could only figure out how to live in the same city again. I am afraid this may never happen. His mother is very needy and high maintenance. She is really not able to take care of herself. I just need to be able to get a job in AZ. But I am just starting with a company here in Iowa. My dream job really, so I want to give it a chance. Oh well, I guess I just have to see where life takes me.
So a funny thing happened during graduation festivities. First, the fiance of one of my classmates who I've only met a couple of times said to me, "You're Amber right? I wasn't sure because you look so different...did you dye your hair?" I haven't dyed my hair at all. I just said yeah, its a new cut. Then the wife of another classmate who I haven't seen since before surgery kept going on and on about how "pulled together" I look. She was like I don't know what you've done but you look great. So needless to say I felt really flattered and proud. All in all Graduation was a good experience.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
I am now 5 lbs higher than my lowest ever adult weight, which was achieved by mixing a bad break up, crack fiend like exercise habits, and starvation techniques. Needless to say, that weight did not last long. But I do look at my 25th birthday pics and like the much slimmer face I see in them and to think I am only 5 lbs heavier than that! I sort of blows my mind.
So, I have set a new mini-goal (I hear these are all the rage in the wls circles) and it is my 50lb mark. Which puts me exactly 7.6 lbs from my first goal. I don't know what i will do when I get there, any have any ides or things you did for yourself as you went along?
Saturday, May 10, 2008
So I decided onthe 2nd dress (black top, flower bottom) It is immensely more flattering. And these are the shoes I ordered to go with it. My roommate assures me that silver shoes will make my dress completely day time appropriate. So I will be returning the white flowered dress to Nordstrom. I really liked the White dress, but it hits me at my fattest part and accentuates the fact that I am STILL FAT! But you know what? For the first time ever, I don't give a d**n! Not one bit. I know next year this time, I will be NORMAL and healthy. And that is all I can ask for.
On a similar note, I need advice on how to break my addiction to the scale. It calls to me the way pizza and wings use to. I did not weigh myself today and now I am itching to run downstairs and hop on the scale to see if I lost anything in the past two days. It really is a sickness. You know I've heard that people hop from one addiction to another, so what if mine went from food to micromanaging my weight? I think about throwing it away, but I'd like to be able to check in from time to time, so i can't bring myself to throw it out. Am I weak or is this normal?
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
But I am so frustrated. I am exercising, and not eating! I hate my F****** body. I feel like it is the enemy and I just want to scream! I am Amber, I can do anything I put my mind to! I am smart, capable and determined! How is it that this is defeating me? AAGGHH! I just want to punch something.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Saturday, May 3, 2008
OK, so lots of weird things are going on with me!
First, the crazy PMS - see post below
Second, my sense of smell is in hyper-drive! I can smell everything, like a fricken' bloodhound! Now when I first moved to Iowa from the stinky dirty city, my sense of smell got more sensitive, but since my surgery, I could rival Paris' finest perfume designers for nose talent! When, I got up this morning and went upstairs for coffee, I could tell by the smell in the hallway that my roommate had recently been there. Sure enough, i look out the window and see taillights of the car as he left. It freaked me out! And my cat's breath is enough to make me want to die. My roommate assures me that it is the same as it has always been though.
Third, I now have noodle legs. I take a long walk or ride my bike and my legs are all wobbly for several hours. I've never felt anything like this!
Which leads me to the question: What other surprises am I in for?
Thursday, May 1, 2008
I graduate from grad school in 2 weeks and 1 day and i so wanted to lose another 10 lbs before then. I don't know why really. I mean what difference does 10 lbs make when I weigh 287lbs? but somehow mentally, it does mean something. Progress I guess.
Also, my boy is coming to town for my graduation. He is currently living in the desert taking care of his mother (his father passed away a few months ago and she is not very able or healthy). The last time he saw me was three days after my surgery. I want to look different when he sees me. I miss him so damn much. Every inch of me (and currently that is a lot) wants to call him every second.
So maybe that is why I am obsessing. Or maybe it is because i have been fat since i was 7 years old and i want to be NORMAL! not skinny or slim even, just normal. I don't want to shop in the fat lady section of every store. I want to buy normal designer clothes, just plain Ralph Lauren, not Lauren by Ralph Lauren. DAMN DAMN DAMN!
Whoo, what started as a sob fest has quickly turned into a hard knot of rage in my belly. i have got to get control over these hormones. They are making me unstable.