For the last couple of weeks, I am wondering what i have done to myself. In several ways. Some of it is the surgery, but mostly it is other decisions I have made lately.
First, we will start with the surgery. now I feel great! But what gets to me is the long term health I can expect. i am starting to worry that I have a rough road ahead. most of this fear comes from anecdotal horror stories, so I know it is not exactly rational to get all worked up, but it is also naive to think that there will be no repercussions. So while that is not my primary worry right now, it is always in the back of my mind. I thought this all out before surgery, but once the trigger is pulled, there is no going back.
Second, my boy. AHHH, this is the one that drives me crazy. We have had a tumultuous ten year relationship. mostly with me loving the crap out of him and him going back and forth about his feelings for me. I have known he was the one since I was 20 years old. I have loved him my whole adult life. He is a commitment phobe and concerned that he is too old for me. (12 year age difference) Over the last couple of years, things have been really good. He is finally realizing I am the right one for him and our relationship has never been better. Then a family tragedy that leaves him caring for his mother halfway across the country. So here is the decision I am regretting: we promised each other (mostly my idea, stupid stupid me) that we would give ourselves 2 years to work out our situations. I have to find a job in a location where we would enjoy living, and he has to figure out what to do with his mother and her situation. 2 years didn't seem like much, but 2 months into it, it feels like eternity. I am an impatient person, I know that. Why on earth did i think that this would work for me? I am all alone in this town in the middle of nowhere. and I am NOT good at being alone.
Add to this cocktail the fact that for the first time in my life I am starting to be noticed by men. I have been asked out twice in the last couple of weeks. While I know I want to be with my boy, I also am tempted by the offer for some human contact. Conversation and a hug sound so wonderful. Its like an alcoholic that turns to drinking cough syrup out of desperation. I want a nice bottle of merlot, but all I can find is cough syrup. And I am tempted...so tempted.
Now for work: I took a great job, but since I have started, my boss has quit and there are massive rumors, more that rumors really, that a major structural reorganization is coming our way. So while we have all been guaranteed that downsizing is not the purpose of the reorg, I am not so sure that I will even get to do the job that i signed on for. And I moved to this god forsaken town to do THIS job, not something else. I had other opportunities.
Oh, I am a worrying and self doubting today. Hopefully the whole weekend does not evolve into a full blown regret fest that ends with me laying on the floor listening to depressing music and crying.
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3 comments:
No need for a regret fest! You are where you are for a reason. It's a great place for you to get healthy! Personally, 10 years waiting on a commitment-phobe sounds pretty crazy, so I'm all for a few dates if you need them! But only you know the whole story and only you can decide. Chin up, love!
Oh AJ... I so know what you're going through. It's hard, and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.
I'd love to give you some advice, based on my own experiences. We dont' really know each other, other than from our blogs, so please take what I say with that in mind.
GO OUT AND DATE!
Whew. Now that I've got that out there, let me elaborate. I've been around the block guy-wise quite a bit. I have a 12.5 year old kid and I'm 32. You do the math.
Once upon a time I had a guy in my life that sounds quite similar to yours. Older, wishy washy on the relationship thing, committed to LOTS of things but not me. Etc. Many things changed in my life so that our continuing with the on-again off-again business wasn't doable, and we parted ways. I mourned. I mourned for what I thought was "the one", and I couldn't hang on to him. It was terrible.
Years passed and I had a handful of long term relationships, some decent, some bad. But in the back of my mind, I still missed "the one".
Flash forward to about three years ago when I met my now-husband. We had such immediate chemistry, and work so well together and as a family that I literally laugh when I think back to the person I thought was "the one". I was so deluded.
Am I telling you that you might not have found "the one"? Nope. I'm a newlywed, and completely in love with my husband, but what I'm telling you is there is no "one". It's a myth. A fairy tale.
What there is are people out there who have a lot to offer, and who might be right or wrong for you depending on where YOU are in your life. It's not romantic, but hell, life isn't a romance.
I think that if you deny yourself the opportunity to do a little dating, branch out, try some new things, you could miss out on something great. Not just a relationship, but the life experience.
You're smart, cute, energetic, and sassy. Why not share all that awesomeness with others, even just for drinks and dancing?
Sorry for preaching. It's just that I've been where you are, and I hate to see anyone else deal with what I had to.
E-mail me any time if you need to talk!
YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY GOING THROUGH MAJOR CHANGES, SO DON'T TURN YOUR HEAD ON ANY EXPERIENCE. YOU ARE YOUNG ANG DESERVE TO BE HAPPY IN LIFE AND WITH YOUR LIFE CHOICES. SORRY FOR ALL CAPS, HAD SURGERY AND CAN'T USE LEFT ARM! BE STRONG AND DON'T REGRET YOUR DECISIONS GO OUT AND REMIND YOURSELF WHY YOU MADE THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.
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