So here i am, down quite a bit of weight and I am feeling great! So I decide to go out with classmates over the weekend. I even volunteer to be the designated driver since I am no longer drinking. Boy is it hard to be the only sober person!
Halfway through the night, this classmate that barely talks to me began chatting with me. He was completely trashed and was pretty entertaining...UNTIL - he leans over and asks me to go home with him because, and I am not kidding here, he has heard that fat girls are great in bed because they try harder than pretty girls! I wanted to throw up and cry all at the same time. Here I was feeling proud of my accomplishments and like I actually am beginning to look better and with one comment, he shattered all of that. I made my excuses to everyone else and went home early.
When I got home I had no idea what to do with myself. Normally, I would have attacked a bowl of ice cream, but as this is not a possibility, i just sort of wandered around the apartment aimlessly. I ended up laying on my living room floor, listening to Sarah MacLachlan and just having a good cry. About EVERYTHING. Not just the stupid boy at the bar, but about being scared of losing myself in this process, of having to learn new coping mechanisms, about the boy I love who I still hope will learn to love me back, about my mom, about my new job, about being scared of being lonely. Oh my god. I think i cried out every ounce of water I've drunk for the last two days. I actually cried myself to sleep.
But, I did feel better when I woke up the next day. Worn out, whipped, but better. I can do this. (at least i hope so)