Big City Girl

So I went to New York City this week to visit a friend that I went to high school with. She is a lovely girl who lives on the lower east side of Manhattan. She has lived here for almost 5 years now.

We went all over the city. I saw all of the quintessential New York sights. But better than that, I reconnected with a great person. And I got to meet her boyfriend who is just lovely, and a fabulous cook to boot.

Here is a pic of me in Central Park. I will blog more soon.

Big Apple (bottom)

So I am not missing in action, I am merely vacationing in New York City. I have very sporadic internet access, so I will have to blog about the trip later. I will be back early next week with a full report.

What now?

So I graduated from grad school. But that doesn't tell you the whole story. I was a bit of a late bloomer education wise. I dropped out of undergrad when I was 20 and didn't go back until I was 25. I had a bit of a personal tragedy and I decided that life was too short for regrets and I moved back in with my lovely parents and dove head first into school. In two and a half years, I got my 4 year degree. Then since I already have the momentum, I decided to go on to grad school. So here I am 4.5 years later and I am done. I have a job lined up that I start on July 1. but for some reason I feel so weird. I wake up every morning nervous as all hell. These butterflies are worse than my pre-surgery butterflies.

Maybe it is the combination of the new job and the new body that is leaving me uneasy. I should be happy, but instead I am worried. I wish my boy was here full time. He always knows how to calm me down.

Maybe my nerves are on edge because I am scared shitless of my new job. Not exactly the job itself, but mostly the living situation. I am moving to a small town in Iowa of only 30,000 people and 1 hour from any other towns with more than a few thousand people. And I know no one. I am not a solitary person. I like others to be around. I have a great roommate and she is moving to London, my boy is in Arizona and my family is a five hour drive in St Louis. I don't want to be the lonely cat lady. I want friends and I want my boy here. I am sad today. I am scared today.

Graduated!

So I graduated from grad school yesterday! It was a whirlwind to say the least.

My boy flew in from Arizona for the event. He hadn't seen me since two days after my surgery and 48 lbs ago. So needless to say he was impressed by my progress. He was very sweet and worried constantly about whether I had my vitamins, whether there was any food that was good for me to eat at the various functions, etc. Ever since he moved to Arizona to take care of his mother, he has become very much a nurturer. It is pretty funny, but very sweet. Now if we could only figure out how to live in the same city again. I am afraid this may never happen. His mother is very needy and high maintenance. She is really not able to take care of herself. I just need to be able to get a job in AZ. But I am just starting with a company here in Iowa. My dream job really, so I want to give it a chance. Oh well, I guess I just have to see where life takes me.

So a funny thing happened during graduation festivities. First, the fiance of one of my classmates who I've only met a couple of times said to me, "You're Amber right? I wasn't sure because you look so different...did you dye your hair?" I haven't dyed my hair at all. I just said yeah, its a new cut. Then the wife of another classmate who I haven't seen since before surgery kept going on and on about how "pulled together" I look. She was like I don't know what you've done but you look great. So needless to say I felt really flattered and proud. All in all Graduation was a good experience.

My stall is officially over!

Wow! I hopped on the scale this morning and I lost three more pounds in two days. I was worried that I had the only body on the planet that could stay humongous after wls. But, Iwas just being a drama queen. Thank God for other blogs and bulletin boards. They really helped me stay in perspective!

I am now 5 lbs higher than my lowest ever adult weight, which was achieved by mixing a bad break up, crack fiend like exercise habits, and starvation techniques. Needless to say, that weight did not last long. But I do look at my 25th birthday pics and like the much slimmer face I see in them and to think I am only 5 lbs heavier than that! I sort of blows my mind.

So, I have set a new mini-goal (I hear these are all the rage in the wls circles) and it is my 50lb mark. Which puts me exactly 7.6 lbs from my first goal. I don't know what i will do when I get there, any have any ides or things you did for yourself as you went along?

Now---shoes!

So I decided onthe 2nd dress (black top, flower bottom) It is immensely more flattering. And these are the shoes I ordered to go with it. My roommate assures me that silver shoes will make my dress completely day time appropriate. So I will be returning the white flowered dress to Nordstrom. I really liked the White dress, but it hits me at my fattest part and accentuates the fact that I am STILL FAT! But you know what? For the first time ever, I don't give a d**n! Not one bit. I know next year this time, I will be NORMAL and healthy. And that is all I can ask for.

On a similar note, I need advice on how to break my addiction to the scale. It calls to me the way pizza and wings use to. I did not weigh myself today and now I am itching to run downstairs and hop on the scale to see if I lost anything in the past two days. It really is a sickness. You know I've heard that people hop from one addiction to another, so what if mine went from food to micromanaging my weight? I think about throwing it away, but I'd like to be able to check in from time to time, so i can't bring myself to throw it out. Am I weak or is this normal?

dressy dress

So I graduate from grad school next Friday and I need a dress. BUT, I am fat and live in the middle of a corn field, so needless to say cute dresses in my size are hard to come by. SO, I ponied up the money and ordered a couple of dresses online. What do you think?

I will see which one i should keep and which I should send back. They should arrive tomorrow and I will update with pic of me in them. But for now, here are the catalog shots.(if only I looked like the model, sigh) Do they seem appropriate for a daytime graduation? (of course I will be slapping a cardigan over them to hide my fat sausage arms).

UBER FRUSTRATED

Yes, it deserves all caps! I am at a stall. I haven't lost anything for almost two weeks. I am hoping that it is due to the meds I am currently on. I am on some antibiotics (for stomach bacteria that can cause ulcers) and a big regime of pepto bismal (drs orders) until this Friday. It seems the stall correlates with beginning this medicine. But then again maybe I am looking for a scapegoat so i don't have to admit that I am a failure.

But I am so frustrated. I am exercising, and not eating! I hate my F****** body. I feel like it is the enemy and I just want to scream! I am Amber, I can do anything I put my mind to! I am smart, capable and determined! How is it that this is defeating me? AAGGHH! I just want to punch something.

new pic

I can't see much of a difference...what do you think?

the pic on the top is now, on the bottom is 3 months pre-op.

My Body is no wonderland

it is a foreign land

OK, so lots of weird things are going on with me!

First, the crazy PMS - see post below

Second, my sense of smell is in hyper-drive! I can smell everything, like a fricken' bloodhound! Now when I first moved to Iowa from the stinky dirty city, my sense of smell got more sensitive, but since my surgery, I could rival Paris' finest perfume designers for nose talent! When, I got up this morning and went upstairs for coffee, I could tell by the smell in the hallway that my roommate had recently been there. Sure enough, i look out the window and see taillights of the car as he left. It freaked me out! And my cat's breath is enough to make me want to die. My roommate assures me that it is the same as it has always been though.

Third, I now have noodle legs. I take a long walk or ride my bike and my legs are all wobbly for several hours. I've never felt anything like this!

Which leads me to the question: What other surprises am I in for?

2 lbs?

I know I should be happy to lose any weight, but only 2 Fricken lbs this week! And I have been exercising. i need to stop obsessing over the scale I know, but it is so damn hard not to hop on it every day.

I graduate from grad school in 2 weeks and 1 day and i so wanted to lose another 10 lbs before then. I don't know why really. I mean what difference does 10 lbs make when I weigh 287lbs? but somehow mentally, it does mean something. Progress I guess.

Also, my boy is coming to town for my graduation. He is currently living in the desert taking care of his mother (his father passed away a few months ago and she is not very able or healthy). The last time he saw me was three days after my surgery. I want to look different when he sees me. I miss him so damn much. Every inch of me (and currently that is a lot) wants to call him every second.

So maybe that is why I am obsessing. Or maybe it is because i have been fat since i was 7 years old and i want to be NORMAL! not skinny or slim even, just normal. I don't want to shop in the fat lady section of every store. I want to buy normal designer clothes, just plain Ralph Lauren, not Lauren by Ralph Lauren. DAMN DAMN DAMN!

Whoo, what started as a sob fest has quickly turned into a hard knot of rage in my belly. i have got to get control over these hormones. They are making me unstable.