Gastric Bypass Catharsis

Slacker

2008-12-31T16:53:00.002-06:00

I cannot believe how long it has been since my last post. But in my defense, I survived Christmas and got a job in this economy all in a month's time. So all of this activity left me little room for blogging.

So the story is I am moving to Los Angeles for a job. i will be there starting mid-January and this is when normal blogging should resume.

Happy New Year!

Jobs

2008-12-07T19:12:00.004-06:00

Well everyone, I am on a whirlwind tour of the US in search of jobs. This week: Minneapolis, St Louis, Los Angeles and Phoenix. Hopefully I will be back to updating regularly toward the end of the week. I am spending 11 days with my DJ and I am psyched.

In the meantime, here is a pic of me with a couple of friends in Minneapolis. I look normal! :)

Promises Promises

2008-11-23T22:18:00.003-06:00

OK folks, I promised to catch you up on my life, so here it goes:

staying with my parents - hard to do at 30 yrs old
Saw DJ last weekend - separating again is almost physically painful
therefore: must find job in Phoenix or in a city within a few hours drive (if you know of any, holler!)
weight loss stalled - creeping back to old habits with the fam and no exercise (shame on me)

So here is where the post begins. Since I moved back (temporarily!) I have not worked out once! NOT ONCE! I felt awful. So three days ago i joined a gym. Now since i don't plan to be here more than a couple of months, I do not want to sign a contract with one of the big fancy gyms and since the YMCA in my town costs as much per month as a suite at the Ritz Carlton, I joined the local grungy meathead gym. This gym is designed for and frequented by big time body builder dudes. I have gone every day since joining and I have not seen another woman there ever. And the gym has at least 5 dozen different weight machines and 4, yes 4, cardio machines. But meatheads don't do cardio, so I get them all to myself! So it really works out, they use the weights, I use the cardio. They give me funny looks, I put in my earbuds, blast some Pat Benetar and then blast some fat. But in just three days I am already feeling better. Lost some weight again, getting back on track. I just need to stick to it!

I promise I will expand on some of the other stuff later, but for now, my message is this. WLS is not a fix all, I still need to work!

not dead

2008-11-22T10:52:00.002-06:00

I am not dead, I think I am just depressed. I promise to write more later and fill you all in. I just have to organize my thoughts....so much drama.

back in Saint Louis

2008-11-07T13:46:00.003-06:00

So since I was laid off, 5 months after starting my job, I decided to move back home to St Louis to conduct my job search.

For two days after being laid off, I was inconsolable, but now I am over the shock and doing OK. I have had a couple of bites on my resume, so I am feeling optimistic about finding another job.

In the meantime, I am able to spend quality time with my very sick grandfather and spend the holidays with my family.

Also, I get to see DJ in 6 days. We are spending a weekend in Chicago. The trip was pre-paid before I got laid off so we might as well go through with the trip. I am a little worried though because his mother has been having her famous "cardiac episodes" and hinting that she may be too sick for him to leave. We both know that this is just her trick, so I don't think it will work, but nevertheless, it makes me nervous. I really need to see him!

I promise to take loads of pics and update my blog with them!

Thank you to everyone who sent me comforting messages after I was laid off. Thank you thank you!

Back to business

2008-11-05T16:41:00.003-06:00

I am done with the political stuff and am promising i will return to my normal set of topics.

Which is what you ask? Oh whatever is on my mind. These days it has been a mixture of weight loss issues, unemployment, relationships, the economy and on and on. A couple of people have messaged me asking me not to voice my opinion about politics since this blog's purpose was to follow my WLS progress. While I understand your point, you must understand that I am a person, not just a WLS patient. and with my humanity comes a infinite number of opinions, emotions and concerns. This is my blog and I will write about whatever I choose because writing helps me release pent up emotions and as the name of the blog indicates, it is cathartic.

I don't think I was ever disrespectful or hurtful. And I know that I have the right to my opinion. So if you don't agree with me that is fine. That is America, that is why we hold elections. And the people spoke last night and we elected a new leader. If you don't agree with me, then tell me why. Lets talk about it! But please DON'T ASK ME TO SHUT UP!

YES WE DID!

2008-11-04T23:32:00.004-06:00

need I say more?

Downsized

2008-10-28T17:13:00.001-05:00

Both physically and employedly. Is that a word? Well either way, my company let me go today and I am officially unemployed. It was a mass downsizing and I fell on the wrong side of the sword.

Bernanke

2008-10-25T08:47:00.004-05:00

OK, so I have an MBA and in MBA school there are loads of finance and economics classes. I never really planned to have a deep interest in the economy but even before the current meltdown, I found myself fascinated by the ebbs and flows of economies. Because of this, I follow the actions of the fed fairly closely. Well last night, it wound its way into my subconscious in the form of a naughty dream involving Fed Chief Bernanke who was at any point morphing into DJ and then back.

Needless to say, I woke up a little disturbed. :)

MEME

2008-10-23T20:05:00.002-05:00

This MEME was taken from She's a Rebel Who totally rocks! Read her blog.

1. Where is your cell phone? In my pocket on vibrate (giggle)

2. Where is your significant other? In Arizona, sigh. But I get to see DJ in 3 weeks!

3. Your hair color? Dark Brown

4. Your mother? Is the number one reason I had WLS

5. Your father? Wonderfully goofy. Sweet and a little broken. Fiercely protective and loyal.

6. Your favorite thing? DJ. Is he a thing? Doesn't matter, he is still my favorite.

7. Your dream last night? For once, I don't remember

8. Your dream/goal? To live in the same state with DJ and to be at a healthy weight.

9. The room you’re in? The living room.

10. Your hobby? Reading really, politics, novels, history, you name it, I absorb it.

11. Your fear? Gaining weight. (stole this one from She's a Rebel, but I wholeheartedly agree)

12. Where do you want to be in six years? In a city with DJ working for a company I believe in in a position that lets me use my brain and creativity.

13. Where were you last night? Home. I live in the middle of a cornfield. I am home A LOT.

14. What you’re not? A republican/conservative.

15. One of your wish list items? A total body lift (giggling again)

16. Where you grew up? Illinois, Hawaii

17. The last thing you did? peed

18. What are you wearing? Black hoodie with blue pajama pants with black cats on them. (YES, I am aware that cats on clothes is lame. No need to tell me via comments :) )

19. Your T.V.? I big and on the wall. A graduation present from the P's.

20. Your pet? A cat named Modigliani. He's a jerk.

21. Your computer? runs hot.

22. Your mood? Tired. Weather changes make me want to hibernate.

23. Missing someone? DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ DJ

24. Your car? 2008 VW Jetta. Black, beautiful, sleek....my first new car.

25. Something you’re not wearing? a cowboy hat. No think about the outfit I described before. Only thing that could make it lamer? A cowboy hat.

26. Favorite store? Target

27. Your Summer? Was probably the last time I will have a summer off until I retire.

28. Love someone? Yeppers. not many but all of them deeply.

29. Your favorite color? Purple

30. Last time you laughed? Today at my Cube mate. That crazy girl cracks me up.

31. Last time you cried? Last weekend. Almost lost my grandfather. He is slowly getting better now thank goodness.

Wolf Whistle

2008-10-23T19:35:00.002-05:00

My first. :) I know most women are annoyed by them, but today, I was flattered.

As I walked out of my office building, these two men in a car that was stopped at the stop light were looking my way. I thought nothing of it. Then the driver honked the horn. I looked over and he waved, then the passenger waved too. I looked around to see who they were waving at, but it was just me on the street. Then the driver rolled down the window and shouted, "Hey sexy mami, give me your number." He was talking to ME!

Now, don't get me wrong, I would NEVER respond to that kind of come on (I mean who does? Come on guys, what are you expecting shouting out of your car window? REALLY?) But, I was flattered in a weird way. It just made me blush and giggle a little. And my ego was boosted a bit. Thanks random driver man!

Boobs

2008-10-21T21:38:00.003-05:00

Yep, I am talking about boobs in this entry. I was totally prepared for my boobs to shrink as I lost weight. I am now down 120 lbs and so I went this weekend for a new bra fitting. Guess what? I went UP a cup size? WTH? My band size went down by 4 inches, but my cup size increased. Crazy. I am not complaining though. Nope not me.

I have big boobs :) Well I still have lots of stuff that is big, but at least that is the one part that is considered good when its big.

sorry for the absence

2008-10-20T18:48:00.002-05:00

My grandfather is very ill and I have been driving home to St Louis as often as possible.

This is the first major stressful event I have encountered since I had WLS and my old familiar friend food is not there for comfort. In fact, It is the opposite, I cannot eat. In fact, I have lost 10 lbs in since last Thursday. I have a call in to my surgeon to find out what I should take to help me keep food down so hopefully that will help.

In the meantime, I think I need to find new stress relievers since my friends Ben and Jerry moved out of town. Any suggestions?

If food is the way to a mans heart, then

2008-10-09T18:59:00.005-05:00

...shoes are the way to mine.

I love shoe shopping and since losing so much weight, I have found that not only has my clothing size gone down, but so has my shoe size. So I desperately need new shoes for work because i am walking out of my heels that I have now. And it is only time until I break my neck. So here are my new babies:

Both are Born brand. They are super comfy and last forever. Investments really. :)

I don't know why shoe shopping makes me so happy. I swear it releases endorphins! The shoe salesguy was also VERY cute (young but cute) and he said that the boots made me look "rockin." That helped my mood too.

Also, those boots are normal boots. Made to fit normal ankles. and GUESS WHAT!?!?! THEY FIT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOO-HOO! "Normal" I LOVE that Freakin' word!

Might as well face it, I'm addicted to

2008-10-06T21:26:00.002-05:00

Click

This stuff is so yummy, but kind of expensive. It has become a crutch for me. I whip one up at 2:30 3ish in the afternoon at work and I buzz through the rest of the day.

well, today I decided that one every day was too often and it should be reserved for afternoons when my butt is really dragging (save me money and calories). So I did not have one today. The afternoon took FOREVER to end. And I was SO hungry by the time I got home. Usually this stuff peps me up and keeps me from afternoon snacking. I cam so close today to hitting the vending machine.

Oh well, might as well give up and just pay the $ and drink the stuff. It is healthier than breaking down and buying peanut M&Ms from the vending machine and passing out at my desk from a food coma. ARGH!

Miss Kathy Griffin and Vice President Spears

2008-10-05T21:23:00.003-05:00

was gracious enough to land in a corn field and entertain the Iowan masses yesterday.

The best "joke" she told? reading word for word the transcript of Palin's conversation with Kissinger. She said that she couldn't make it any funnier than it already was. So true, so sad and so true.

For any of my readers who might think she is cute and it doesn't matter if the VP is smart and capable. Remember that McCain is already ancient and the probability that Palin would become President is a lot higher than the probability that Biden would. Scary.

VOTE OBAMA!

Broken stall

2008-10-05T09:21:00.003-05:00

Well folks, my stall is officially over! I was not worried about this one too much because I have been through a few before and I know how it works. But this time I did something different, I actively worked to break it early. I ramped up my exercise routine significantly and started drinking water like it was my job. And sure enough within two days, the scale starting going down.

Now I have been exercising all along, but I have admittedly been pretty lazy lately and just doing the same old routine and not pushing myself at all. So I guess my body wasn't getting the same benefit. I started working out a lot harder and just a bit longer. I am exhausted this week because of it, but it feels really good. I am sleeping really well and I feel stronger!

So I didn't lose any weight for almost 2 weeks, then BOOM! 5 lbs in 4 days. Weird huh? I made up all my lost time super fast. I now know that I need to make sure to keep up with my hydration as well as challenge my body by not getting lazy with the exercise.

cyber-family

2008-10-02T18:28:00.002-05:00

that's what you all are!

Thanks to Amber whose great advice got me through my weird engineer drama.

I did go to lunch with him, but at that lunch I told him, after listening to his weird story, that from now on, our interactions are to be strictly professional.

He is giving me the evil eye at work, but so far so good! No emails, no texts, all clear.

Smell gone nuts

2008-09-30T15:35:00.002-05:00

I have blogged about this in the past, but ever since RNY, my sense of smell is uber strong. Today at work, there was a skylight being installed on my floor, which means they were using very stong adhesives. The smell almost killed me. I was literally gaggin at my desk. I finally just told my boss that I needed to finish the day at home. I felt like such a baby, but it was making me so sick!

Weirder still

2008-09-29T20:42:00.002-05:00

So I think that the engineer has major boundary issues. He has been texting me every couple of hours and emailing me at work. I don't know what to do. He is very persistent saying that he needs to explain to me why he is sorry and talk about what happened in person. Normally, I would say no, but we work together and I don't want things to be weird.

I told DJ what is going on and he is not very happy. I can't say I blame him, but his wanting to call the guy does not help me. I don't think that would help me keep the professional relationship with this guy working. UGH!

I guess I need to go to lunch with this guy and try to hear him out. Maybe he is a normal guy who was going through something that made him act crazy. Keep your fingers crossed folks. I don't see this ending well.

People continue to disappoint and confuse me

2008-09-28T08:49:00.005-05:00

So I made friends with this engineer at work. I know I go on and on about being lonely here in my nowheresville town, but it is true. I sit alone way more than is healthy. So when I met this guy at work who is very nice, we became chatty (at work only).

Then, he began telling me about some problems he was having at home with his wife. Then he tells me they are separating. She moved out of the apartment and took his son to live about an hour away. Then we end up at the same social event one evening and chatted some more. Now let me state this now, I AM NOT INTERESTED in this man romantically. I have my boy and this guy is not really my type. But, I am interested in being buddies. I need friends and he seems nice and interesting.

One evening a few nights ago, he called me and asked me to dinner. He then said, 'just as friends you know. this is not a date." PHEW! We are on the same page. is what I thought. So we had dinner, it was uneventful. Borderline boring really. All the while, this guy is also hanging out with my neighbor. But I get the feeling that they are more than just friends. Which is totally cool with me, except they are putting me between them (what did she say about me? What did he say about me?) But that is mildly annoying and mildly amusing at the same time.

So yesterday he calls me and asks me to come hang out with him and his son in the evening. I agree. He asks me to pick up beer on my way. So I do. When I get there, his son is snoozing and we sit down and he proceeds to down the entire 6 pack in the span of 1.5 hrs. Then he tries to kiss me! GROSS. he was so drunk and dumb. So I made some excuses and was out of there by 9pm. He continued to text me until I turned my phone off at midnight. His texts were apologetic at first and then turned belligerent and then pathetic. I did not reply to any of them. He knows about DJ, so I don't know what his deal is. I thought he liked my neighbor.

How do I look at this guy tomorrow at work? I just wanted to be friends and have some local folks to hang out with? Why did this blow up in my face?

Poor Hawkeyes...

2008-09-27T20:14:00.002-05:00

They lost the big homecoming game today, but I was still super happy. Cause I got SOOO many compliments! So tonight I will go to bed feeling pretty. maybe for the first time ever.

A dose of common sense

2008-09-25T21:34:00.002-05:00

Go here and read this and watch the video!

So I look normal...

2008-09-23T19:52:00.002-05:00

and this is a huge WOW moment for me. That is me out for my friend's birthday and I don't stand out from the other women as the huge fat girl. I look normal. Normal Normal...the word is weird and wonderful.

stalling

2008-09-23T19:18:00.001-05:00

stalling stalling stalling. up 2 lbs, down three, up three down four up down up down AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Post-Secret Hits home

2008-09-14T10:11:00.003-05:00

So I have been thinking about blogging about this for a LONG LONG time, but it is so raw I didn't know if I could. Then, I saw this on the Post Secret blog and I thought it is finally time.

My mom was my best friend. She was the mom all the other kids loved and wished their moms were like. She was cool and loved to laugh and have fun. She was mischievous and understood a kids need to be a rebel and she gave me just enough rope to hang myself. She loved me as much as any mother has ever loved her child. She was always on my side, my rock filled with unconditional love and adoration.

Now, she was not perfect. By any means. She had a temper and treated my dad like a second rate citizen. There was constant screaming in my home (not all her fault). She tried everything she could to not grow up. So sometimes, she was too much friend not enough mom. She needed constant attention, especially from men. So sometimes, I faded behind her spotlight.

Regardless of her faults, I admired her. she was smart. She had no education beyond high school yet she managed to become management at any job she took within months. She was strong and taught me to be independent and equal to any man. She stood her ground yet was generous to a fault.

BUT, she was/is morbidly obese. I never cared about this until about 10 years ago. She was diagnosed with diabetes. She was fine for a few years. Then the diabetes lead to Neuropathy, which means she has trouble feeling her hands and feet. She slowly starting taking more and more prescriptions until now where she is on 36 different medications. They do not help. She stays home all day, is on medical disability and is a virtual recluse. Due to the high number of medications she takes, she is no longer the same person. She doesn't have the clarity of mind she used to. It is similar to watching someone slip into Alzheimer's. She has good days and bad days. On her good days, she makes some sense, but on her bad days she is like a small child that you have to explain things to several times and slowly with simple words. She has lost her sense of humor completely, primarily because her brain isn't fast enough to understand jokes.

I am 30 years old and I no longer have a mother. She is alive. I can see her and touch her, but I don't know her. She spends all her days watching trash TV and napping. We have nothing to talk about and she does not indicate any concern over my life.

I call her to check on her when she has Dr appointments and to encourage her to get out of the house, but she never reciprocates. She doesn't ask how I am and if I try to tell her, she talks over me about the latest piece of crap she bought from the shopping channel. I don't know her and i don't like her. I love her until it hurts and i miss who she used to be.

This leads me to the Post Secret. When I saw this, I knew it was time to write. My mom and her condition is the main reason I had RNY surgery. My whole life, my self worth has been wrapped up in my intellect. If I were to follow in her foot steps, I would be worthless. I could not have that. So now I am on a journey to not be her. Every day, every time we talk, I think about it. I am scared of it. But I will beat it. I will not be her. I am Amber Jean, I am my own person, not a carbon imprint of my mother. I learned from her strength and have become stronger.

Thank you mom. I love you. I am sorry.

Turkey Waddle

2008-09-14T10:00:00.003-05:00

I think I am getting one. AAAHHHHH! I was totally prepared to have sagging boobs, arm flaps, saggy tummy and thighs, but my face? My chin to be exact! I see these other beautiful post-ops around my age and they DO NOT have this. Usually it happens only to the ones at least 10 years older than me. AAAAAAAAHHHHH I am so sad. All the other saggy problems can be hidden with clothes, but unless I want to wear giant turtle necks year round, I cannot hide this!

I guess I will have to tell DJ the the savings fund that was earmarked for our next Euro vacation is now the plastics fund. Hopefully if I throw in some perky boobies, he won't mind.

DJ plans to visit!

2008-09-13T14:10:00.002-05:00

So DJ and I are currently arranging plans for him to come to Iowa for a couple of days and then we will take of a spend a long weekend together in Chicago. I am soooo excited.

The only sad part is that the only weekend we can seem to arrange which works with schedules and when the flights and hotels are affordable isn't until MID NOVEMBER. It seems like so long from now! I have to find ways to keep myself occupied. I need a hobby.

OH Ani, you always get me a thinkin'

2008-09-10T12:44:00.003-05:00

I was listening to Ani DiFranco's first album today and she got me thinking. Now unfortunately, I live in a town where I know no one and thus spend a lot of time in my head if you know what I mean. This is , what came to me today:

My whole life, my self-worth has been wrapped up in my weight. I am guilty of being size-ist despite that fact that I was (am really) hugely fat. I always assumed that those with a normal BMI somehow mattered more. And lived more. Did this come from my own brain? From the media? Where?

I thought that thin people's experiences were somehow more meaningful; their relationships richer, their loves deeper and truer.

What made me feel like this, so insignificant? like a bit player in the play of my own life. A character actor waiting for a starring role. I was/am always thinking that my life could begin as soon as i am thin.

I always think that people don't take me seriously because of my weight. Like I am some cosmic joke. A fat girl wants romance , love, companionship, a career, and loyalty? Ha! only from a blind person.

All of this had led me to feel unworthy. I've always dreamt of being a writer, but assumed that no one would want to read anything that a 1/2 person wrote. I am only fit to be an accessory for the people who REALLY matter, the loyal fat best friend who gives, yet needs nothing.

Existentialism theorizes that individuals create the meaning and essence of their lives, as opposed to it being created for them by deities or authorities or defined for them by philosophical or theological doctrines. So you are the only real person who exists, everyone else exists only to occupy you. In my backwards version, I don't really exist, everyone else does.

Reunion

2008-09-10T12:40:00.002-05:00

So a friend of mine came into town for the week and I picked him up at the airport. This friend lives in Europe, so I haven't seen him since way before my surgery. I hadn't mentioned anything to him about it ever either. Needless to say he was shocked when he saw me. His jaw dropped and he hugged me and I kid you not, he PICKED ME UP! He could not stop gushing over how different and great I look.

I know I have a long way to go - I really need to focus on toning up and strength training, but it is moments like this that give me the motivation to keep going!

new gadget!

2008-09-09T19:26:00.001-05:00

I have added a new gadget to this blog. It the the follower gadget. So if you use blogger and read this blog, sign up! I'd love to see and then see who else you read, cuase that is how you find great stuff!

New Addiction - Click Espresso Protein

2008-09-08T20:33:00.002-05:00

OK, so Melting Mama got me totally addicted to this protein drink, Click. It is chocolately and yummy with a hit of coffee goodness. I keep it in my desk at work and make myself a drink in the afternoon to get me through the home stretch. now warning - this stuff is not good hot, but it is heaven cold. Like a protein rich blended coffee drink! MMMM!!! I usually add a little extra creamer and a packet of Equal or Splenda. I LOVE THIS STUFF! I don't know how I lived without it.

So I am sharing this with you because currently there is a special being run that involves a free blender bottle: Enjoy and don't say I didn't warn you when you find yourself terribly addicted!

When you order Click Espresso Protein with the current promotion, it comes with a Blender Bottle.

The current Click promotion code: OBH = Buy 2 CLICKs (28 servings), get FREE CLICKer Shaker (Blender Bottle) and FREE Shipping.

New cure for the blues

2008-09-07T14:29:00.001-05:00

http://www.stuffonmycat.com/

Stupid? - Yes

Could be banned by PETA? - probably

Cracks me up anyway? Hell Yes!

2008-09-06T16:18:00.002-05:00

I have officially moved from "Extremely Obese" to just plain old "Obese" Woo-hoo, here I come "Normal"!

Somthing happened on the way to the panel

2008-09-06T09:35:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, I was part of a panel presentation at the University where I earned my Grad degree. One of the organizers, a lady who i knew but not well at all, did not recognize me when I checked in for the event. When I told her my name, she gave me a funny look and said, DId you cut your hair? I wanted to reply, why yes, I cut over 100 lbs off, but I just kept that to myself and nodded, took my badge and walked away before I cracked up.

Then the director of career services and the school associate dean, women I do know very well, both saw me and gasped. They gushed over how great I look. Both of them got a big kick out of the hair story.

Overall yesterday was a good day and I am still smiling. Thank you RNY

I got hit on at a concert last night

2008-09-06T08:26:00.002-05:00

by a hunky latino heartthrob. OK, so he was only 5 years old, but he was super cute. :) Now normally, I don't know what to do with kids and am therefore a little nervous in their presence. And I think they smell my fear and thus stay away from me or mock me, one of the two. But this little guy came right up to me, his father works with me, and said, I'm Nikolas will you hold me? So I picked him up and he hugged my neck and then he kept telling me I was so pretty and he loves me. I think his father was mortified! I just laughed and laughed. You take it where you can get it right? It was pretty cute and definitely put a smile on my face.

Watch out DJ, you have competition...

DJ DOES NOT

2008-09-05T12:22:00.000-05:00

read this blog. I don't think he even knows it exists....

long distance is hard

2008-09-02T20:19:00.002-05:00

So DJ and I get along great. Put us in a room together with nothing else and we will have a great time. We just laugh and generally entertain each other. Normally we can talk about anything. No holds barred. But lately...

I feel like when we talk on the phone I am an annoyance to him. Our conversations are mundane and when I try to get a good conversation going, he does not reciprocate. I don't know what to do. I love him so much, but being apart is killing me. He says that I am more upset and bothered by this because I am so isolated currently and more emotional than normal. Both of these are true, but I still feel this way!

I really don't want to start over with a new relationship, but I am beginning to think that this one is a lost cause and he will never separate from his mother. I love him so much, he is my best friend and the best man I've ever known, but I am so alone and torn, just torn.

Camping

2008-08-31T12:34:00.002-05:00

So my best friends J&D invited me to come to their home in St Louis and then go on a float trip followed by a night of camping. Generally, I am not a camper, but I figured what the hell.

We had a great time on the river. I got pretty sunburned despite copious amounts of 70 SPF and I am still peeling and itching like mad from it.

It was very fun to see my friends and have some social contact beyond work. I was crazy the following morning however and I think I probably scared my friend J away. While everyone enjoyed a buffet breakfast at the camp, I could not because it was all carbs and the scrambled eggs, my only hope, for some reason went down like a rock. So we ventured out on a three hour drive home with nothing on my stomach. So my sugar crashed and because we were in the middle of nowhere, following another car, we could not stop at a gas station. We had no bars on our cell phones and did not know how to get back on our own. Now, when my sugar bottoms out, I turn into a crazy person. So I proceeded to throw a fit and act nutso. Not something I normally like to do in front of people. Luckily J has been my friend for the better part of a decade and he knows this, but I still feel awful for making him uncomfortable and acting like a spazzed out bitch. I have since apologized to which he responded it was no big deal, but I still feel bad and awkward.

I need to get control of my emotions. Ever since surgery, I am a mess. I know some of it is adjusting, but some of it is also hormones. I just pray I can get through this phase and soon.

This is LA

2008-08-31T11:08:00.003-05:00

So I really hate LA. Every time I go to the City of Angels, bad things happen to me. This trip was no exception.

It began with me leaving my cell phone, with all of my contacts on the airplane. After exhausting all of my search options, I gave up and declared the phone lost forever.

After the fiasco of searching for my phone, I get to my hotel. Beautiful lobby, awful rooms. Dirty looking, carpet full of stains and overall just suspect. In fact, my first night, I woke up to some very strange and loud gurgling noises emanating from the bathroom. When I got up to inspect, there was dirty water flowing from the toilet from the wrong direction. Maintenance came and fixed it, then housekeeping. With a dirty mop and no disinfectants, the housekeeper sopped up the dirty filth and then left. SHE DID NOT use any Lysol, bleach etc. Did I mention that the water was, ummm, dirty, and from the TOILET? Luckily, I showered the night before, so I thew towels down to sop up the carpet and returned to bed with plans to deal with this in the morning. After requesting that housekeeping bleach down my room and carpet while I was at work for the day, I returned to find a fan hooked up in my room to dry the carpet, but the dirty towels still there and nothing in my room cleaned otherwise. Trash still there, bed unmade, no fresh towels....etc. And best of all my second story sliding glass door left wide open with all of my stuff inside. Did I mention that I was in LA? I was so pissed off! Then I was moved to a new room, which was marginally better and I spent the rest of my trip feeling dirty and using hand sanitizer and bleach wipes on everything.

Not Pleasant at all.

besides that hotel, I spent the entire trip being shunned by my co-workers. I don't know why though. As I had just met these women, i had not even had the chance to do anything to warrant this behavior. They spent the entire trip gossipping, shopping, going out and generally acting like great old fiends. I asked one of the women how long they had known each other, and she said only a couple of weeks. I could not figure out why they would make plans right in front of me and just not ask me to join them. Not even once! i don't know what I did. i was nice to them. I generally think I am a fun to be around person, we are all in the same general age range. I cannot figure it out! What is wrong with me?

I came home from this trip exhausted both mentally and physically and got in my car and drove directly to St Louis to spend the weekend camping with some friends. Which leads me to my next post...

Updates Updates.....

2008-08-31T10:06:00.001-05:00

So I have been neglectful of my blog. I have not felt mentally ready to blog until this morning. So I am going to try to update in several normal size posts instead of one huge unreadable post. So bear with me.

I am still huge

2008-08-26T20:14:00.000-05:00

I see a pic like this and I realize how far I have still to go.

Not MIA

2008-08-24T19:07:00.004-05:00

I have been in L.A. all week. It was pretty crappy, but I just got home and I am exhausted, so I will have to give you all the download later.

It is time for another vacation to Crazy Town

2008-08-16T10:45:00.002-05:00

So since WLS, my emotions have been on a roller coaster ride. If you are a regular reader of this blog, this is not new news. Well, the big drop of the track is here again. And I need some perspective. Here is what happened:

I chatted with my boy on line yesterday for like ten minutes over lunch break, then I asked if he was going to be around after I get off work, cause I needed to talk to him about a couple of things. He said sure, I'll be sure to take my phone in case I am running errands. So I call him after work and he says he is in the middle of something, he will call me back in about 45 minutes. So TWO HOURS later, still no call. SO I call him, he says he is still busy whats up. I ask him one quick question and tell him to call me back later when he has time to talk. HE NEVER CALLED. I am so mad/hurt. Living so far apart is really hard, and having very regular conversations is all that i have to keep me going. I dreamt about him and crazy crap all night because i was so upset when I finally went to sleep. I woke up early this morning and it is all I can think about. I will call him later and talk to him about this, but it is still too early there due to the time difference.

Am I over-reacting? Is this my hormonal carnival ride taking over my common sense or is this a mis-step on his part? I normally don't get angry at him, even for things I should. But I am PISSED off!

Not being able to trust my own judgement is very frustrating, and honestly it is scary. I don't want to be crazy or unstable.

Double header

2008-08-13T19:16:00.002-05:00

So I went to the Dr today because on Monday I noticed a large lump on my foot and it freakin' HURTS! Anytime I step down just a little bit hard, it sends shooting pain through my foot. Not conducive to exercise AT ALL! So, the Dr says it is a cyst and I need surgery.

I JUST STARTED MY JOB A MONTH AGO! I can't take time off. CRAP CRAP CRAP!

AH, it felt good to get that out of my system.

Wii Fit

2008-08-13T18:48:00.002-05:00

So a few have you have asked about my Wii Fit!

Yes! It was worth the extra money. Yes! It is super fun. Yes! It is totally addictive.

I love love love it. I credit the Wii Fit with breaking through my stall. The first time I used it, I was sore in places I didn't even know I had the next day. But I went right back to it that night. There are fun games as well as some damn hard exercises.

If you can find one (or are willing to pay high internet prices) I highly recommend buying one! If you hate it, you can always sell it. They are in high demand.

101!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-08-12T12:21:00.002-05:00

I am down 101 lbs! WOOO HOOO!

Headlights

2008-08-11T18:50:00.004-05:00

Ok, so here is one of my pet peeves....headlights. Yeah that is right in a meeting in a Fortune 500 Company. AAAHHHH! I was at a meeting today and a women was the presenter and all I could do was stare at her headlights! It was ghastly. I was looking at the men in the room and guess what they were looking at? Let's just say that when we left the meeting we had no idea what it was about. It wasn't even a sexy thing, it was just so OBVIOUS. I really felt bad for the lady, I am sure she is smart and well spoken, but Geez! Wear a thicker bra at work for crying out loud. Women have enough trouble with having their voices heard, we don't need to run around distracting people by displaying our private parts. Cleavage and short skirts are bad too, but to me, this one is the topper. Now I am not a prude, but this really bothers me.

Is this just me? OR does it bother you too?

I am weak...

2008-08-10T12:53:00.003-05:00

physically. I am noticing more and more lately that I do not have the strength I used to have. Opening jars is harder and harder, lifting things I normally could have done with ease is now laboring. Is this from weight loss or is this from RAPID weight loss?

Ever since I have noticed this change, I have focused on adding weight training to my cardio regime. Lets hope it helps. This weakness is not something that an almost compulsively independent girl likes very much! Asking for help really sucks.

In other areas of my life, things are going ok. Still miss my boy like crazy. But my parents visited this weekend and it was so nice to have company. next weekend will be a lonely one, but then the following weekend I will be in St Louis with my friends spending a weekend on a float trip on the river. I am very excited and can't wait to see all of my friends. I think staying busy is key to keeping the lonelys away.

MEME sent from Amber

2008-08-02T20:39:00.002-05:00

Sen by my blog friend http://vanityandvexation.blogspot.com/
If you respond, let me know!
What time did you get up this morning? 7 am on a SATURDAY?!?!? sadly, yes
Diamonds or pearl ? Pearls, classic and timeless
What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Sex and the City - opening night in Times Square
What is your favorite TV show? Law and Order - all of them
What do you usually have for breakfast? Protein latte
What is your middle name? Jean
What food do you dislike? asparagus
What is your favorite CD at the moment? Stacia Petrie - great bluesy sound
What kind of car do you drive? VW Jetta - black.
Favorite sandwich? chicken artichoke and spinach with some gooey cheese on a crusty Euro bread, but sigh that is a thing of the past....bread hurts
What characteristic do you despise? Insincerity and superficiality
Favorite item of clothing? Michael Kors silk floral swing blouse very modern funky floral, not like grandma's sofa
If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Tuscany
Where would you retire to? Tuscany
What was your most recent memorable birthday? 24th DJ, who never cooks, made me a homemade meal all by himself
Furthest place you are sending this? i guess in space somewhere
Person you expect to send it back first? no clue, one of my blog readers I guess
When is your birthday? Feb 11
Morning person or a night person? Night, definitely.
What is your shoe size? 9
Pets? Kitty named Modigliani
Any exciting news you’d like to share with us? Someday I won't be fat and that day is approaching faster and faster
What did you want to be when you were little? Madonna. I wore lace gloves with no fingers hoping to be "discovered"
What is your favorite flower? Lily
What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to seeing? December 3rd, our wedding anniversary.
What are you listening to right now? kitty snores
What was the last thing you ate? crab cake
Do you wish on stars? not in a long time
If you were a crayon, what color would you be? white....i am super pale
How is the weather right now? Hot and Humid
Last person you spoke to on the phone? DJ
Favorite soft drink? Crystal Light
Favorite restaurant? Graze in IC
Favorite color? Purple
What was your favorite toy as a child? my big wheel
Summer or winter? winter
Chocolate or Vanilla? Vanilla
Coffee or tea? coffee mmmm....have to have my java or I freak!
Do you want your friends to email you back?yep
When was the last time you cried? yesterday....you already know the story
What is under your bed? nothing, but I just moved so everything is still clean. give it time
What did you do last night? went to bed early
What are you afraid of? skin cancer and early aging
Salty or sweet? Salty
How many keys on your key ring? five
How many years at your current job? 4 weeks
Favorite day of the week? Saturday
Do you make friends easily? Not really. I am a deep relationship girl a small close circle of really good friends. that doesn't come easily
How many people will you send this to? my blog readers, so at last count, 9
How many will respond? I'm gonna say 2. just sounds good

Happy Catastrophe

2008-08-02T08:19:00.002-05:00

So I took some advice from you guys and decided to accept one of my date offers. So as I sat at the local martini bar, sipping iced tea, waiting for my date, I realized how excited I was just to talk to someone new. Face to face, not at work, just two people getting to know each other. I thought long and hard about how and when to drop the RNY bomb. As i was lost in my thoughts of the night and my longing for a nice martini, I noticed my companion was 20 minutes late. And then 30 and then 40...so I left. I WAS STOOD UP! FOR MY FIRST DATE IN LIKE, FOREVER! Well it was not exactly a date I guess, i don't know exactly how to define what I was planning...but either way, I was left hanging. Sometimes I hate people.

Which leads me to my epiphany of the morning. I LOVE my boy, DJ. He is weird, commitment phobe, but he is kind, caring, smart and has this deep voice that makes my knees quiver even after ten years. He laughs easy, and has beautiful lines at the corners of his eyes that tell the story of years of laughing and smiling. He is calm to my crazy, patient to my immediate gratification, and chill to my freak out. We work. And I love him.

And I woke up to a text message from him this morning. He misses me...and i felt like an ass for even thinking about wanting someone else. I want him, I want him here, but if i can't have that, then I will have to try to patient. So bear with me if I whine and cry. It is hard.

Positive note: Next time I see DJ, I will be soooo different! I can't wait to see the look on his face.

Doubts about everything

2008-08-01T12:19:00.002-05:00

For the last couple of weeks, I am wondering what i have done to myself. In several ways. Some of it is the surgery, but mostly it is other decisions I have made lately.

First, we will start with the surgery. now I feel great! But what gets to me is the long term health I can expect. i am starting to worry that I have a rough road ahead. most of this fear comes from anecdotal horror stories, so I know it is not exactly rational to get all worked up, but it is also naive to think that there will be no repercussions. So while that is not my primary worry right now, it is always in the back of my mind. I thought this all out before surgery, but once the trigger is pulled, there is no going back.

Second, my boy. AHHH, this is the one that drives me crazy. We have had a tumultuous ten year relationship. mostly with me loving the crap out of him and him going back and forth about his feelings for me. I have known he was the one since I was 20 years old. I have loved him my whole adult life. He is a commitment phobe and concerned that he is too old for me. (12 year age difference) Over the last couple of years, things have been really good. He is finally realizing I am the right one for him and our relationship has never been better. Then a family tragedy that leaves him caring for his mother halfway across the country. So here is the decision I am regretting: we promised each other (mostly my idea, stupid stupid me) that we would give ourselves 2 years to work out our situations. I have to find a job in a location where we would enjoy living, and he has to figure out what to do with his mother and her situation. 2 years didn't seem like much, but 2 months into it, it feels like eternity. I am an impatient person, I know that. Why on earth did i think that this would work for me? I am all alone in this town in the middle of nowhere. and I am NOT good at being alone.

Add to this cocktail the fact that for the first time in my life I am starting to be noticed by men. I have been asked out twice in the last couple of weeks. While I know I want to be with my boy, I also am tempted by the offer for some human contact. Conversation and a hug sound so wonderful. Its like an alcoholic that turns to drinking cough syrup out of desperation. I want a nice bottle of merlot, but all I can find is cough syrup. And I am tempted...so tempted.

Now for work: I took a great job, but since I have started, my boss has quit and there are massive rumors, more that rumors really, that a major structural reorganization is coming our way. So while we have all been guaranteed that downsizing is not the purpose of the reorg, I am not so sure that I will even get to do the job that i signed on for. And I moved to this god forsaken town to do THIS job, not something else. I had other opportunities.

Oh, I am a worrying and self doubting today. Hopefully the whole weekend does not evolve into a full blown regret fest that ends with me laying on the floor listening to depressing music and crying.

Think Thin review

2008-07-31T19:02:00.003-05:00

Well, so far I have tried the Brownie Crunch and the Chunky Peanut Butter bars.
The chunky peanut butter, while not exactly chunky, had a good taste. The nutritionals are awesome, but the flavor did not blow me away. It was not really sweet or salty, just somewhere in between. I have definitely had better, but I have also had worse. There was not bad aftertaste, but the chocolate coating didn't exactly taste like chocolate either. This bar is ok if it is on sale.

The crunchy brownie was another story all together. It was, one word, awful. Not even remotely close to any brownie I have ever tasted. The I experienced a definitely weird chalky protein aftertaste. Not good.

Since I already paid for the other bars, there will be more reviews to come.

I feel abandoned

2008-07-31T07:34:00.001-05:00

I just checked my feed analyzer and ALL of my subscribers (all 4 of you) unsubscribed in 1 DAY! Is that possible or even probable? Or is my feed analyzer messed up? (crossing my fingers!)

So please do me a favor, if you read this blog, drop me a little note and introduce yourself, so I know whether or not I should continue with this project.

Think Thin

2008-07-29T21:40:00.003-05:00

Review coming soon.

In the mean time visit their website:

http://www.thinkproducts.com/thin-bars.php

They look pretty and tasty and the nutritionals seem good, but the test will be tomorrow at work when my pouch starts a rumbling.....We'll see then if the taste is as great as the marketing.

Weekend with Friends

2008-07-28T21:28:00.002-05:00

So here is my latest full length shot. I guess my shirt is a bit big, but I don't have many that truly fit anymore. In the picture with me are my friends Justin and Melissa.

Since I am living in Nowheresville, Iowa, I thought that a trip to see some friends would do me some good. So, I drove up to Minneapolis where several of my friends have relocated to. I had a great time shopping at Mall of America and IKEA. I can definitely say that I got my exercise on Saturday by shopping. I hit Nordstrom Rack and struck gold. I walked out with four pairs of quality shoes and I got a great bargain on them!

The friend I stayed with graduated from grad school the year before me and has not seen me since my surgery. I spent a good part of the trip explaining to her how the surgery works, how I am feeling, etc etc etc. It is a bit weird to have to talk that much about myself, but every time I do, I find out more about myself. I realized this weekend how scared I am about my future. I was scared before surgery that I would die hugely fat and young. Now I am scared that i will get sick from this surgery and die young anyway. I didn't realize this consciously until I found myself talking with her about it.

I went out Saturday night with my friends and had a great time talking and laughing. I have some truly great people in my life. Thank you Debra, Justin and Melissa. You all completely cheered me up.

And to all my internet/blog friends. Thank you for filling the void and easing my loneliness.

Retail Therapy

2008-07-27T21:47:00.002-05:00

After my bad week at work and home, I went to Minneapolis for some retail therapy. i hit Mall of America AND IKEA. What a whirlwind. I will be sure to post pics of my night out tomorrow.

Until then, here is my new baby:

rss Hugger

2008-07-24T17:43:00.003-05:00

I think education about weight loss surgery is one of the most important steps in the decision making process. When I was considering the surgery, I read blogs voraciously. I wanted to follow others through their process so I would know the ups and downs. That is the main reason I started this blog. And helping others negotiate is why I joined rssHugger. It groups blogs with similar themes together and makes them easy to find for readers. Give it a whirl to look for blogs or add your blog to gain readers! It is free and so cool.

http://www.rsshugger.com/

Updated pic per Amber's request

2008-07-24T12:46:00.001-05:00

Look to the right!

I am going to visit friend in Minneapolis this weekend and I will try to get a full body shot then.

Lonely

2008-07-23T20:16:00.003-05:00

I miss my boy. He lives in Phoenix, I live in Iowa.

Due to circumstances beyond our control, we live on opposite sides of the country. He is currently caring for his ailing mother because his father recently passed away.

Now I have a good job and can afford to travel and see him fairly often. The problem lies with his mother. She is manipulative and controlling and very jealous of me. She wants him to stay home and take his father's place, which disturbs me deeply. Frankly it disturbs him too. I have an upcoming business trip to LA. My boss told me to head out early and visit my boy. I was so excited, and so was he. Then his mother hit the roof. She started crying about how he just came to Iowa in May (for my graduation) and a couple of months before that (for my surgery). She threw a fit! So my boy caved and said he cannot come out to LA for the weekend. I am only asking for three days! He was upset, but he just doesn't want to make her too upset, since she had a cardiac episode two weeks ago. I am so disappointed. I miss him so much it physically hurts sometimes. He promised that as soon as he gets a job, we will take a weekend trip together, but I am afraid he will get a job that requires weekends. AAAHH!

I am going through so many things right now, I need someone here with me. My hormones are out of control and I am crying all of the time. I just want someone to hold me once in a while. Instead I took a job in a nowhere town where I know not a soul. I am so lonely. And we committed to this situation for two years. I am only one month in and I am already ready to break. How am I going to make it two years and stay sane?

Wii Fit

2008-07-21T20:12:00.003-05:00

Ok, due the the delerium that set in post-workout, I ponied up the money and bought a wii fit. I paid the crazy super gouged price, but I don't care. I will have uber-fun and get uber healthy!

Maybe someday I will look like this:

Ok, so I am a pasty white girl, not a latin goddess, but besides that, this is totally my goal!

Finally

2008-07-21T19:50:00.002-05:00

So ever since I have started working, I have grossly neglected my exercise. During my extended, post-graduation travels, i didn't do any official working out, but my trips were all active. Hours of walking per day. Rafting, swimming, hiking, etc. But since then (3 weeks) nada. I have been super lazy. But today, I went swimming. I GOT OFF MY ASS! and it felt good! Now I just need to repeat this, over and over and over! Wish me luck!

Hormonal rage and craziness

2008-07-19T19:54:00.002-05:00

I normally like to consider myself sane. But not today, oh no! So starting out, I am currently hosting my monthly visitor. Combine this with getting up very early to wait for the satellite guy after staying up too late last night and you have a crazy cocktail.

i woke up at the crack of dawn to make myself presentable for the technician who was scheduled to arrive sometime between 7am and noon. I wait and wait and wait. At 12:01, I am pissed. (long story short - third attempt for them to fix problem. I have had two, count them two days of functionality in three weeks) So I cll said company, which might rhyme with Shmish Shmetwork, and told them to get someone out here TODAY, or cancel my service. An hour later and three supervisors later, and they finally agreed to cancel my service. But only after I begged and pleaded and then finally screamed, CANCEL MY GD SERVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate getting to that point, but they just wouldn't stop trying to convince me that I should keep their service despite the fact that it does not work, and they cannot seem to find time to fix it. DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE? NO, it does not.

So after that fiasco, my wait for my washer and dryer delivery began. They delivery folks called and told me they were running early, could they come now? Of course I say, I am out running errands, but I can be home in 15 minutes. They say great we will most likely be there in 25 minutes or so. So I scurry home, excited by the fact that i get to wash everything in my house from clothes to curtains tonight. When they arrive, 3 hours later! (we won't go into that) they say that the part they sold me to hook the dryer up to the vent is too short. So I say, ok, can I buy a longer one. They say, probably not from us though. and they tell me to go to the hardware store and buy this piece, they wrote it down and everything, and then it will be a snap to install. The dryer is light, they say. No sweat, you'll have no trouble at all. So they leave. and they leave my dryer in the hall uninstalled. so i go get the parts and try to do it myself. Now, i live alone in a town where I know NO ONE. and i cannot get this to install. At which point I am saying the f word so much it is beginning to sound like a mantra. So I call them back. They guy on the phone says. i don't know what to do about this. I guess I can have someone call you. I say call me today? He says, umm i don't know. I say call me Monday? He says, ummm i don't know. I say, well I have a dryer in my hall. blocking the path to my bedroom and bathroom today. and it is heavy. and i tried, but I cannot hook it up and move it myself, which i PAID YOU TO DO! I was literally crying. OVER A DRYER. and TV, lets be honest here, I NEED my Law and Order marathons. I hang up on the guy because I hate to cry and I refuse to cry to a stranger. SO, I call my boy and sob like a mad woman. He is nice and caring, but he is 2000 miles away. So, I call my other guy, Dad. Who is goofy, but wonderful. He tries to talk me through the process, to no avail. Then as I start to cry again, he says, I will come up there tonight and hook it up. It will be fine. I will go get your mom and we will be on our way. They live 4 HOURS away. I love my dad. I hate the TV people and the appliance people, but I love my dad.

Shout out to Connie Elders!

2008-07-19T19:48:00.002-05:00

I just bought these:

And I love them! I put them on and at first I thought it was way too comfortable to make a difference, but I shrugged and headed into work. Then I caught my reflection in the glass door in the lobby. I could not believe my silhouette. No lumps or bumps at all. I was giddy. So I am passing on this wonderfulness to all of you. buy yourself a pair already!

http://www.lipoinabox.com/servlet/ProductView?command=cp&supplierID=378&commodityID=31155&searchIndex=0

Spoke too soon. AKA lessons learned the hard way

2008-07-13T09:51:00.004-05:00

On Friday, I had to go to a meeting in Indiana. We took corporate jet to one of our sister company's headquarters, where we walked a huge, hot factory floor to examine how they build their product. Mistake number 1) Forgot to tote some water - literally almost passed out. So, I learned that lesson the hard way. Mistake number 2) I did not eat breakfast, I just had a protein laden latte. However, i did this at 5am and lunch was not scheduled until 12:30 pm - again almost passed out. Then when lunch rolled around, it was Pizza! What was I to do? I ate the toppings off a ham and veggie slice and tried not to draw attention to myself. Lesson learned - Always pack a couple protein bars. My new favorite is this: http://www.amazon.com/Kelloggs-Special-Protein-Chocolate-6-Count/dp/B000M5QEZ8
and I should have toted a few along!

Well, overall it was a miserable day. The meetings went well, but i was definitely distracted by discomfort. So next time I will be prepared!

First business lunch post-op

2008-07-09T18:36:00.002-05:00

Uh-oh! I faced the situation today which I head been dreading since surgery. My team took me out to eat for a welcome lunch. I was so nervous. I think if they notice how little I eat, will they think I am just playing being a light eater, because obviously looking at me I must eat right? Or will they notice that I eat the meat off the sandwich and not the bread? or or or...all these scenarios going through my crazy brain.

Well, it went by mostly uneventfully. I ordered the chicken salad sandwich and a small side salad. Everyone was so busy asking me questions that even if I had wanted too, I wouldn't have been able to eat much. So, when i took home most of my leftovers, no one batted an eye.

I might tell my immediate team about the surgery at some point, but for now, I'd rather stick to business.

Sensitivity Training

2008-07-07T20:00:00.003-05:00

So since I just started my job, I of course had to sit through the inevitable HR diversity and harassment training. I was shocked and pleasantly surprised that we spent a full fifteen minutes (they had a video and everything) discussing non-traditional harassment and discrimination. So beyond racial profiling and gender issues etc. What they spent the most time on was fat and homosexual discrimination and harassment. WOWZA! I could not believe my ears. I was so proud to be working for this company. I think this is a good move in my life.

To blog or not to blog

2008-07-06T16:54:00.002-05:00

So...I have a post sitting in my blog waiting to be published. BUT, it is very perrsonal. It is a story of someone I love. And my feelings about them are spelled out. Now this person knows the story and knows my feelings, but i am not sure how he would feel about publishing them in cyber space. What if someone we know happened across them?

I feel like this blog has become my place to get things off my chest. A diary basically and in order to tell my story properly, this chapter must be included, but at the same time, I am scared of the repercussions. The digital world is complicated

Vitamin case

2008-07-03T19:51:00.000-05:00

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000E13BVA

I just got this from Amazon. It really helps me stay on track with all of my vitamins. Very small (great for purse) and stays closed when it is suppossed to. plus, it is big enough for my calcium chews!I highly recommend it!

All sorted out

2008-07-03T19:43:00.002-05:00

So a quick update on the job situation. I have one! Woo-Hoo! I got a call at 7am (UGH!) yesterday from my bosses assistant saying everything cleared and was I ready to come in. I definitely was! Except for the fact that until the phone rang, I was in dream land. I hopped up and rushed in.

Weird thing is I am dreaming every night about my guy. Normally he haunts my dreams occasionally, but this whole week, I've dreamt about him every night. It is hard to be so far from him. Normally, when we part, we already have plans on when we will see each other next, but this time, I don't know. Most likely it will be the holidays, but who knows? :( How do I get through this?

258!

2008-07-01T21:37:00.002-05:00

I know that is still a lot, but I cannot remember ever weighing this little. I am super happy. And so far, only minimal hair loss!

On the job front though, I am sucking. I took a job and moved for it and started this Monday. Halfway through the day, the HR office called and said I had to leave immediately because my criminal check and drug test were never performed. They only hired me in March to start in JULY! For crying out loud, was that not enough time? So here I sit waiting to hear when I can begin work. It is frustrating! They already paid movers to move me and everything. How backward is that?

Time to digest

2008-06-25T23:09:00.002-05:00

So my trip to see my guy in Phoenix was a total disaster. Not him and I , but his mother. Oh, I don't even know where to start with this one. I just got back home, and I think I need time to mull it all over in my head before divulging it to cyber space. I hope you all understand.

As far as my weight, I am still losing and I am now down to 260 lbs. However, my hair is starting to fall out. I have pretty thick hair, but I think I am noticing more hair in my drain than normal. I am a little worried about that. I am also having trouble eating. I go to the Dr tomorrow, so I will let him know. I think it might just be stress, but I have never had stress make me lose my appetite before. Before wls, I would tuck into a bowl of ice cream to feel better. Now eating has become somewhat of a nuisance. I have no urge to do it and when I actually try to eat, I get two or three bites down before my stomach tells me to stop. I don't know, i do feel like it is just me being stressed though. I start my new job next week, my mom is really sick, my boy's mom is crazy and hateful, my boy thinks he is sick, I am dropping weight like crazy and on top of it all I am moving. So I have just a couple things on my mind.

On a brighter note, Phoenix was hot, but beautiful. I posted a pic of me in the Superstition Mountains. My boy is beautiful. I miss him terribly though. Oh here I go again. I guess I am not ready to write about this yet. I promise as soon as I can I will.

Long time no blog

2008-06-10T19:47:00.003-05:00

Well hello all three of you who read this blog. I am sorry for the prolonged absense. I have been flitting from town to town and have not had a lot of time to document anything.

I start my job on June 30 and until then I am traveling as much as possible. I went to New York and St. Louis already and next is Chicago and then Phoenix and then the Grand Canyon and Las Vegas. WOO! I am one tired chica. BUT, i love to travel and take pics, so I am having a blast blast blast.

On the WLS front. I am managing well. Since I am traveling, I am almost exclusively eating in restaurants. But I am sticking to the rules and eating lean proteins and my protein powder and vitamins are getting toted around the country. So all in all things are good. I am down 75 lbs from my highest weight (at surgery consult) and 55 lbs since surgery. I feel really good and my energy levels are fine. I even rode a bicycle all the way around Central Park in New York (6.7 miles total thank you very much!)

My clothes are all way too big now, so some went to my mom, and the rest went to the Salvation Army and Dress for Success. Now however, I can fit my entire wardrobe into one medium suitcase, so I need clothes badly! I don't want to start my new job naked :) (I'm sure no else wants that either) So send me some suggestions smart ladies!

Big City Girl

2008-05-31T14:00:00.003-05:00

So I went to New York City this week to visit a friend that I went to high school with. She is a lovely girl who lives on the lower east side of Manhattan. She has lived here for almost 5 years now.

We went all over the city. I saw all of the quintessential New York sights. But better than that, I reconnected with a great person. And I got to meet her boyfriend who is just lovely, and a fabulous cook to boot.

Here is a pic of me in Central Park. I will blog more soon.

Big Apple (bottom)

2008-05-28T16:45:00.003-05:00

So I am not missing in action, I am merely vacationing in New York City. I have very sporadic internet access, so I will have to blog about the trip later. I will be back early next week with a full report.

What now?

2008-05-19T10:48:00.002-05:00

So I graduated from grad school. But that doesn't tell you the whole story. I was a bit of a late bloomer education wise. I dropped out of undergrad when I was 20 and didn't go back until I was 25. I had a bit of a personal tragedy and I decided that life was too short for regrets and I moved back in with my lovely parents and dove head first into school. In two and a half years, I got my 4 year degree. Then since I already have the momentum, I decided to go on to grad school. So here I am 4.5 years later and I am done. I have a job lined up that I start on July 1. but for some reason I feel so weird. I wake up every morning nervous as all hell. These butterflies are worse than my pre-surgery butterflies.

Maybe it is the combination of the new job and the new body that is leaving me uneasy. I should be happy, but instead I am worried. I wish my boy was here full time. He always knows how to calm me down.

Maybe my nerves are on edge because I am scared shitless of my new job. Not exactly the job itself, but mostly the living situation. I am moving to a small town in Iowa of only 30,000 people and 1 hour from any other towns with more than a few thousand people. And I know no one. I am not a solitary person. I like others to be around. I have a great roommate and she is moving to London, my boy is in Arizona and my family is a five hour drive in St Louis. I don't want to be the lonely cat lady. I want friends and I want my boy here. I am sad today. I am scared today.

Graduated!

2008-05-17T16:40:00.003-05:00

So I graduated from grad school yesterday! It was a whirlwind to say the least.

My boy flew in from Arizona for the event. He hadn't seen me since two days after my surgery and 48 lbs ago. So needless to say he was impressed by my progress. He was very sweet and worried constantly about whether I had my vitamins, whether there was any food that was good for me to eat at the various functions, etc. Ever since he moved to Arizona to take care of his mother, he has become very much a nurturer. It is pretty funny, but very sweet. Now if we could only figure out how to live in the same city again. I am afraid this may never happen. His mother is very needy and high maintenance. She is really not able to take care of herself. I just need to be able to get a job in AZ. But I am just starting with a company here in Iowa. My dream job really, so I want to give it a chance. Oh well, I guess I just have to see where life takes me.

So a funny thing happened during graduation festivities. First, the fiance of one of my classmates who I've only met a couple of times said to me, "You're Amber right? I wasn't sure because you look so different...did you dye your hair?" I haven't dyed my hair at all. I just said yeah, its a new cut. Then the wife of another classmate who I haven't seen since before surgery kept going on and on about how "pulled together" I look. She was like I don't know what you've done but you look great. So needless to say I felt really flattered and proud. All in all Graduation was a good experience.

My stall is officially over!

2008-05-11T08:35:00.002-05:00

Wow! I hopped on the scale this morning and I lost three more pounds in two days. I was worried that I had the only body on the planet that could stay humongous after wls. But, Iwas just being a drama queen. Thank God for other blogs and bulletin boards. They really helped me stay in perspective!

I am now 5 lbs higher than my lowest ever adult weight, which was achieved by mixing a bad break up, crack fiend like exercise habits, and starvation techniques. Needless to say, that weight did not last long. But I do look at my 25th birthday pics and like the much slimmer face I see in them and to think I am only 5 lbs heavier than that! I sort of blows my mind.

So, I have set a new mini-goal (I hear these are all the rage in the wls circles) and it is my 50lb mark. Which puts me exactly 7.6 lbs from my first goal. I don't know what i will do when I get there, any have any ides or things you did for yourself as you went along?

Now---shoes!

2008-05-10T23:03:00.002-05:00

So I decided onthe 2nd dress (black top, flower bottom) It is immensely more flattering. And these are the shoes I ordered to go with it. My roommate assures me that silver shoes will make my dress completely day time appropriate. So I will be returning the white flowered dress to Nordstrom. I really liked the White dress, but it hits me at my fattest part and accentuates the fact that I am STILL FAT! But you know what? For the first time ever, I don't give a d**n! Not one bit. I know next year this time, I will be NORMAL and healthy. And that is all I can ask for.

On a similar note, I need advice on how to break my addiction to the scale. It calls to me the way pizza and wings use to. I did not weigh myself today and now I am itching to run downstairs and hop on the scale to see if I lost anything in the past two days. It really is a sickness. You know I've heard that people hop from one addiction to another, so what if mine went from food to micromanaging my weight? I think about throwing it away, but I'd like to be able to check in from time to time, so i can't bring myself to throw it out. Am I weak or is this normal?

dressy dress

2008-05-07T21:34:00.006-05:00

So I graduate from grad school next Friday and I need a dress. BUT, I am fat and live in the middle of a corn field, so needless to say cute dresses in my size are hard to come by. SO, I ponied up the money and ordered a couple of dresses online. What do you think?

I will see which one i should keep and which I should send back. They should arrive tomorrow and I will update with pic of me in them. But for now, here are the catalog shots.(if only I looked like the model, sigh) Do they seem appropriate for a daytime graduation? (of course I will be slapping a cardigan over them to hide my fat sausage arms).

UBER FRUSTRATED

2008-05-06T08:36:00.002-05:00

Yes, it deserves all caps! I am at a stall. I haven't lost anything for almost two weeks. I am hoping that it is due to the meds I am currently on. I am on some antibiotics (for stomach bacteria that can cause ulcers) and a big regime of pepto bismal (drs orders) until this Friday. It seems the stall correlates with beginning this medicine. But then again maybe I am looking for a scapegoat so i don't have to admit that I am a failure.

But I am so frustrated. I am exercising, and not eating! I hate my F****** body. I feel like it is the enemy and I just want to scream! I am Amber, I can do anything I put my mind to! I am smart, capable and determined! How is it that this is defeating me? AAGGHH! I just want to punch something.

new pic

2008-05-05T11:31:00.004-05:00

I can't see much of a difference...what do you think?

the pic on the top is now, on the bottom is 3 months pre-op.

My Body is no wonderland

2008-05-03T16:22:00.002-05:00

it is a foreign land

OK, so lots of weird things are going on with me!

First, the crazy PMS - see post below

Second, my sense of smell is in hyper-drive! I can smell everything, like a fricken' bloodhound! Now when I first moved to Iowa from the stinky dirty city, my sense of smell got more sensitive, but since my surgery, I could rival Paris' finest perfume designers for nose talent! When, I got up this morning and went upstairs for coffee, I could tell by the smell in the hallway that my roommate had recently been there. Sure enough, i look out the window and see taillights of the car as he left. It freaked me out! And my cat's breath is enough to make me want to die. My roommate assures me that it is the same as it has always been though.

Third, I now have noodle legs. I take a long walk or ride my bike and my legs are all wobbly for several hours. I've never felt anything like this!

Which leads me to the question: What other surprises am I in for?

2 lbs?

2008-05-01T10:44:00.002-05:00

I know I should be happy to lose any weight, but only 2 Fricken lbs this week! And I have been exercising. i need to stop obsessing over the scale I know, but it is so damn hard not to hop on it every day.

I graduate from grad school in 2 weeks and 1 day and i so wanted to lose another 10 lbs before then. I don't know why really. I mean what difference does 10 lbs make when I weigh 287lbs? but somehow mentally, it does mean something. Progress I guess.

Also, my boy is coming to town for my graduation. He is currently living in the desert taking care of his mother (his father passed away a few months ago and she is not very able or healthy). The last time he saw me was three days after my surgery. I want to look different when he sees me. I miss him so damn much. Every inch of me (and currently that is a lot) wants to call him every second.

So maybe that is why I am obsessing. Or maybe it is because i have been fat since i was 7 years old and i want to be NORMAL! not skinny or slim even, just normal. I don't want to shop in the fat lady section of every store. I want to buy normal designer clothes, just plain Ralph Lauren, not Lauren by Ralph Lauren. DAMN DAMN DAMN!

Whoo, what started as a sob fest has quickly turned into a hard knot of rage in my belly. i have got to get control over these hormones. They are making me unstable.

PMS

2008-04-30T20:49:00.002-05:00

Oh my God! My PMS is terrible since surgery! I was a wicked wicked girl when I was home visiting my parents last weekend. I was confrontational, impatient, and just awful. I could see myself behaving terribly, but i couldn't stop.

On my 5 hour drive home, my back start aching and sure enough as soon as i get home, boom, my friend arrives. I was warned that dropping weight releases tons of estrogen because it is stored in fat cells. What they didn't tell me was that estrogen = free range crazy.

Wowzie! I had some back-pedaling to do after the crazy fog lifted. but I tucked my tail between my legs and apologized.

God I hope this doesn't happen every month! I am going to have to lock myself in a cage in the basement, like a werewolf at full moon.

thank you!

2008-04-29T16:07:00.002-05:00

to everyone who has posted comments here! They are so helpful. I feel like I have a small pack of guardian angels with me as I walk down this very scary path. Thank you Thank you!

I would like to be able to thank you all individually, but some of you are unreachable (Denise) ;)

So please send me your emails if you's like to.

eating update

2008-04-29T11:36:00.002-05:00

Ok so eating is getting a bit easier. Maybe my pouch was just confused by the change.

However, until now, I have felt great, but these last three days I have been so exhausted. Even if I sleep enough. Could my lack of calories be catching up with me? Hopefully this is just a phase and I will get through it. This has come at a bad time though. I am finishing up my masters degree and all of the semester projects are due next week, so i am super busy this week. But all I want to do is NAP! Oh well, this is just another price to pay for health right? Well, I am off for a nap now, but not a long one - busy busy busy.

Blog crazy - actually all kinds of crazy

2008-04-26T16:02:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I know I am posting like every other minute, but I wanted to get this out there.

I have just been given the green light to start eating some pureed/mechanically soft foods. my problem? I don't want anything. Foods sounds good, I get hungry, I cook something. I take one bite (i am not exaggerating) and I am done. I cannot force myself to eat any more. I am actually repulsed by the idea. By the time my appetite comes back 30-40 minutes later, my food is so cold it is inedible.

Has anyone else gone through this or have any advice for me? I know I need to eat, I am scared of becoming sick. I am taking my vitamins, but I feel like I take so many pills right now, they fill up my pouch too. AAHH! (sorry just a little frustrated)

lap

2008-04-26T14:30:00.002-05:00

I am at a coffee house working on a terribly boring statistics memo. But here is the exciting part, my laptop is on my lap! Yep, I have a lap that is big enough for my computer to sit on. All the way! No weird balancing or anything. Woo-Hoo! I am easily amused, what can I say?

Also, I fit my big ol' bootie into size 5 (whatever the new sizes mean) Lane Bryant jeans today. I bought them by mistake about 5 months ago and couldn't even pull them up all the way back then. now, they slide on and actually probably are a bit too loose. I am a happy camper today. I will be posting pictures very soon. I don't think I look much different, but my clothes are telling me otherwise.

Its the little things...

2008-04-25T19:09:00.004-05:00

So I have officially moved from "Super Obese" to "Extremely Obese"! Since I am no long "super" I guess I should stop wearing my cape.

One Month Check Up

2008-04-24T15:03:00.002-05:00

I went today to my one month post-op check up with my surgeon. Almost everything went well except for the bloodletting! My veins just would not cooperate which led to me getting stuck three times! OUCH.

Oh and my dietitian told me I can't have tomatoes or crystal light or basically anything with citric acid for two more months! I love my Crystal Light, I am so sad now.

I did get permission to advance my diet though so I am looking forward to some scrambled egg!

Everyone was very pleased with my progress, so now I am on my own for two more months.

Yeah me it is my one month Surgiversary.

POLL

2008-04-24T09:55:00.002-05:00

For those of you who have had/or are planning to have WLS -

Do you openly tell people that you had the surgery? Or just a select few? Any tips of approaching this subject/

Also - do you tell friends and family about your blog?

Thanks!

Just tragic!

2008-04-22T19:55:00.000-05:00

So here i am, down quite a bit of weight and I am feeling great! So I decide to go out with classmates over the weekend. I even volunteer to be the designated driver since I am no longer drinking. Boy is it hard to be the only sober person!

Halfway through the night, this classmate that barely talks to me began chatting with me. He was completely trashed and was pretty entertaining...UNTIL - he leans over and asks me to go home with him because, and I am not kidding here, he has heard that fat girls are great in bed because they try harder than pretty girls! I wanted to throw up and cry all at the same time. Here I was feeling proud of my accomplishments and like I actually am beginning to look better and with one comment, he shattered all of that. I made my excuses to everyone else and went home early.

When I got home I had no idea what to do with myself. Normally, I would have attacked a bowl of ice cream, but as this is not a possibility, i just sort of wandered around the apartment aimlessly. I ended up laying on my living room floor, listening to Sarah MacLachlan and just having a good cry. About EVERYTHING. Not just the stupid boy at the bar, but about being scared of losing myself in this process, of having to learn new coping mechanisms, about the boy I love who I still hope will learn to love me back, about my mom, about my new job, about being scared of being lonely. Oh my god. I think i cried out every ounce of water I've drunk for the last two days. I actually cried myself to sleep.

But, I did feel better when I woke up the next day. Worn out, whipped, but better. I can do this. (at least i hope so)

Comments

2008-04-21T12:34:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I am coming here and spending time writing this thing and I have no idea if anyone is reading it. So if you happen by, please leave me a note that says "I was here"

Otherwise I feel like a crazy person who walks around in public having a conversation with myself.

Cheers!

3 weeks and 5 days post surgery

2008-04-20T15:58:00.000-05:00

I am doing quite well now. Initially I had some trouble with my draining tube, it really irritated my abdominal muscles and I had to have it removed prematurely. But since then, I am the picture of health. My incisions only have the tiniest scabs left and I feel really good. I am under 300 lbs for the first time in years! WOO-HOO!

I went home to visit my friends and family in St Louis this weekend and my friends said they could definitely see a difference in me already. I don't notice too much, ut then again I see meyself everyday. Even so, it was very nice to hear! My mom tried to take my jeans I was wearing because she said they are too big on me now and she wants them. So I felt pretty proud of myself, for the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to what the future holds for me. i have been heavy since I was around 8 years old. I don't know what I will look like when I am normal. it is scary and exciting all at the same time.

I go in for my one month check up later this week and I hope they give me the green light to start exercising. I have already lost 32 lbs post surgery and I want to help it along! I even bought a BICYCLE! It is so cute. That is it up top. I am so happy to be able to even think about the possibility of riding a bike. At my highest weight, I think I would have just crushed it! The future is just possibilities right now! I can't wait to buy my first clothes in a normal store and on and on.

On other notes, I graduate from my masters program in less that one month! Wow has time flown. Doug is again flying here to be with me. I cannot explain how much this means to me. I don't always know where we stand, but I know he loves me and for now, I am grateful for that.

I do not start my new job until 6 weeks after graduation, so I am going traveling. I can't wait to feel the difference in those tiny airplane seats once I have lost weight. I never let my weight stop me from doing anything, but it definitely made me uncomfortable!

So wish me luck on my check up. Hopefully the doctors will be happy with me!

Day 4 after surgery

2008-03-14T23:25:00.001-05:00

I have been a bad blogger. I have already neglected my new project.

Well I have had my surgery and I am sitting on my couch recovering. All I can eat or drink is skim milk, water and broth. However, I want nothing. I have no appetite at all. Hopefully this will last forever. I doesn't even bother me when others are eating!

On a side note, Doug has just left. He was here for my surgery and took good care of me. I love him so much and we are currently separated because he is caring for his mother in Phoenix since his father just passed away. It has been a terrible time for him recently. After his father died, he got into a terrible car accident while he was back in Seattle packing everything for the move to Phoenix. I know this surgery came at a bad time for him, so I am so happy that he left the beautiful desert weather and came to messy, cold Iowa to hold my hand during my surgery.

I think he understands why I wanted this, but he was nervous and is worried that I won't get enough nutrition now. He knows I am scared that I will end up like my mother, whose diabetes has lead to neuropathy which causes chronic pain and she takes loads of medicines to deal with, and this has caused her mental decline and medical retirement at the young age of 53. It is hard to handle and I need to avoid her fate. So this surgery, while it sucks now it the best decision I've ever made. You have to give to get right? I am giving up many things, but I am gaining a healthy future, so it is very worth it.

Day 6 Liquid Diet

2008-03-13T08:57:00.000-05:00

So here I am, day 6. I am very proud of myself. I have not have a single bite of food in 6 days! I've had soup, smoothies and loads of milk and that is it. I am actually getting used to it I think.

One thing I am incredibly grateful for is coffee. It is still on the ok to consume list and I thank god every day for that. I'd be a mess without my caffeine.

So, I am currently sitting in the hospital waiting for my appointment time to arrive for my pre-surgery bone density exam. I woke up at the ungodly hour of 5:30 am to get to the hospital by 7. I was told to fast from 9 pm until after my ultrasound. Which I did, and now I am enjoying a wonderrful cup of joe.

Once I arrived at the hospital, I was led to "the room" you know the one I mean. the one where the smiling lady comes at you with a needle and a handful of little tubes to fill. When I got there, my lady looked and the list and I swear I am not exaggerating, pulled one of every tube they had on the table and then some from the drawer. I told her no one can find my arm veins, they always use my hand, but like every needle pusher I've ever met, they think they are the "one" who can find the arm vein. Soin spite of my whining protests, verging on tears, she proceeded to poke me in both arms 4 times until she finally relented and took the blood from the vein I told her to use in the first place.

So after finishing my inspection I was given the green light and about 250 pages worth of instructions to follow for the day of surgery.

It still feels a bit surreal and I think deep down that they will cancel on me. I don't know why but I somehow feel that I don't deserve this. i guess that is normal, but I don't know. I really wish I had talked to other people who have already been here. I guess that is why I am writing this blog. Hopefully someone will find it and it will help them.

Day Three Liquid Diet

2008-03-10T10:19:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was easier on the liquid diet. Probably because I was so busy and didn't have time to think about food. Which brings me to today. I am starving. I had some runny cream of wheat and two huge cups of coffee, my stomach is still grumbling.

Now I have to sit in a quiet class room during midterm exams and be embarrassed by the noises of protest that my neglected stomach is making.

Besides the diet, my nerves are beginning to hum. At first I was not affected by this massive decision, but now it is becoming more real every day. I feel the butterflies stirring. I know that this is the right move, so I will not be dissuaded, but I am still a bit nervous now.

Day One - Liquid Diet

2008-03-08T19:25:00.001-06:00

So here we are, day one. It is 8 pm and so far I have consumed (I would like to say eaten, but my teeth had no part of it) very runny cream of wheat, split pea soup (pureed to death), a strawberry banana smoothie and some cream of mushroom soup. I am hungry. Maybe it will get better. I hope it does because I have two months of this ahead of me.

But it will all be worth it. I have to keep thinking of the small sacrifice I am making in order to gain this huge positive change. Two months of liquid is worth a healthy life.

Introduction

2008-03-08T18:04:00.000-06:00

First things first I guess. I will introduce myself, though I doubt anyone but myself will ever read this.

My name is AJ. I just turned 30 years old and I am 17 days away from my gastric bypass procedure. This is not something I decided to do over night. After long consideration and numerous attempts at dieting, I have decided to take my future into my own hands and become a new person.

I am about to finish my masters degree (3 months to go!) and I don't want my physical appearance to hold me back. I am also watching my mother, who taught me to be the strong woman I am, slowly deteriorate and become nothing like the woman who raised me. i cannot suffer her fate, so I am taking this drastic step to change.

Here's to all the people out there who are summarily dismissed due to their appearance. I know the beauty that is hidden and I am working to show everyone else what I am truly made of.

Here is a picture of me day one. Hopefully this will change immensely over the next year. Welcome to my journey.